Letting Go....Not!

Between Me and You,

Silence feels the room as i try to search for understanding...this is the second time i've called you in a row, as my body heats up with anger. I'M SO ANGRY!!!!  i sit and stare out the window, i get on my knees and weep....i feel below zero with my emotion to say F it and Cheat!

The Beginning

as i met him on a late summer night....the previous year we had been  flirting but nothing to heavy.. I was on an emotional independence from it all so i felt i was strong enough to give you my time. We started hanging out, sexual endeavors became first on our plate then a friendship/relationship drove emotions into My heart. I continued to sexually explore with others considering our casual agreement to just be friends. But then you started giving more time and more hugs and my casual endeavors couldn't cure my Heart from beating so fast by just hearing your name. They meant nothing to me...no matter how many nights i spent i still drew your name on my heart regardless of what we both said each other meant. We went on dates soon becoming exclusive and our emotions dug heavily into each others eyes as each day we yearned to meet each other. You showed me care and love although u never spoke it.

My Assumption

Our agreement to be casual mentally was broken as my everyday became apart of your day to day! Relationship tendencies, textual consistency, and mental efficiency i knew you were the one. Still unofficial i played with the game thinking i could handle the effects. I assumed he was as hopeless as i was and that no matter what we would still try to make this work. My assumption kept me, because anytime i came close to expressing my feelings my lips drew shut and my eyes closed with fear. Your truth wasn't my truth and as long as our truth involved me and you words weren't meant to be spoken.

Mental vs. Emotional

Logic left a couple months back as we made a toxic decision that affected both our lives. One decision i felt brought us closer in the moment. My assumption still held fast as you were there for me every step of the way. Not knowing you were doing what you were supposed to do  not just because you wanted to my heart blew up with adoration for your heart. The end was drawing near...unafraid of my quest on to adulthood and your quest of stagnant being....i became extremely vulnerable! My mental told me to get up and run as fast as i could but my emotional left me paralyzed in your arms as i continued to lay there!

Signs

My conscience grew stronger as i felt you drift away...you were tryna please them then her, then they, that you for got about we...But wait let me look at the signs....from the start you kept your promise as i waivered on mine, from the start you only did what i allowed you to do which was escape with my heart and from the start you never expressed your Love or a willingness to love as my assumptions filled those blanks. And from the start you never told me that i wouldn't see those blatant SIGNS on your neck! Now i decided to run......and i ran fast! He never chased me, he only called! after 5seconds those calls stopped and it turned to.........................................Silence..

The So Called End

Who was i running from........him or myself!! As i got away from him i looked at myself in the mirror with tears exploding down my face! no matter where i escaped to this staggering hurt and pity filled my body. A weakness came over my SOUL as reality hit in maybe HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU......so i tried to fill that void with another one of "YOU".......he showed me care and compassion but i  JUST WASN'T THAT INTO HIM.....why treat someone how i was treated in order to put a bandaid on my own feelings. I didn't wanna take the SELFISH approach....so i went through a stage of COLD TURKEY!!! it lasted for..........a couple of months!

Over and Over Again

Then i saw you.................feeling liberated and once again strong enough to talk to you i built a wall!! you broke it down with one sentence you've never said , "I APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE...AND TO SAY THE LEAST I MISS YOU"...my heart melted! (i know what your thinking weak lol) the proper thing to do would have been, to be able to unbitterly say thank you, i wish you the best and walk away...But i became flesh in a matter of 2sec!

My conclusion

I leave this open ended to say as humans we have situations we battle with inside ourselves from day to day. We have insecurities that allow others to come in and treat us any kind of way. Love Yourself because you're the only one responsible for you. Leaving your heart in someone else's hands regardless of emotions is dangerous. From the start i had an intuition but i allowed a casual situation to recieve all of me! When u make a decision stick to it! Don't waiver because of emotions. When someone states the obvious to you don't assume that your actions can change them, or because yall went through a personal situation together that it would bring yall emotionally closer. Always do what's best for you! when in doubt look at the situation from a 3rd person's P.O.V and ask yourself is this how you want to be treated or do you deserve better! Never Settle for anything less than what you deserve take every situation thats emotionally a burden and set your goals on a day to day basis......................

With all that being said TODAY i decide to be done with this situation....TODAY i'm letting go!! I hope you all find strength in my situation..

~Intimately MalissaRenee~