Between Me and You,
So it's late evening, i'm frustrated as wreckless thoughts enter my mind. I open up my phone to text, my anger pours through my fingertips as i type ferociously; intensly enuciating my heart! Intricately speaking what's on my soul, It goes as follows,
My imagination ran wild today as i pictured a perfect you and me.....we laughed and we joked. We shared our lives together and sat and talked about our futures. Both of us envisioned each other in our destiny's so we just laid there. As fiction crept in to my mind i fought it.....focusing on a realistic utopia of our beings. You loved me just as much as i loved you if not more than me loving you; it more than exceeded my dreams....I mean i ramble on and on but you know me the best. Even my imperfections shine so fluidly as a VVS that you see right through the cracks and honor my BEST....my potential enlightens you and your passion inspires me....we work together as our partnership grows magnitudes over any dynasty...WE MATCH! you make me have joy not temporary happiness and i feel warmth inside as you never criticize my sensitivity that makes me melt with pride. I lay there and look around as fiction turned to REALITY..................................
Truth
....................................and i realize, there was never a perfect you and me. In fact i hurt more than i'm happy and my pain has become so deep rooted it hinders me physically. The truth is you never loved me! And although i've played with the idea that you might just care for me, my heart stops beating realisticly as my fiction was never believable enough to pass as truth. I gave all of me while you gave the bare minimum of you. Everytime i'm ready to leave i tell you so you can try to convince me of my make believe truth. You never convince me to stay in fact you tell me i'm free to leave. I hurt and you see my weakness so you send a short text never apologizing but saying you MISS ME.......you MISS ME????? WHY??? and you always answer that i'm being difficult. I explain my hurt and instead of replying from your heart you say......"I MEAN MALISSA WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY OR DO" i want you to tell me your heart.....and if i'm not apart of that speech i want you to have the courage to tell me to depart. I want you to acknowledge my pain and not use me to come see you when you wanna feel a certain type of way...I want you to leave me alone because i've gotten fed up with your inconsistency. I want you to truthfully leave my life never to return because of what you've done to me...........
Wait
...................you're guilty of making me HATE MYSELF.........because if i loved me i would've realized a long time ago that i never needed someone who only LIKED ME to complete me......I would've realized a long time ago that i don't want someone that i have to threaten to leave to finally show some affection towards me....I would've realized that all the money, gas, time and emotions spent giving myself materialistically only abused ME and only ME.....and i would've realized that i never needed to tell you i'm leaving just so you could PITY me.........
Think about it
FINALLY..............my anger grew increasingly as i looked at the screen of exceeded number of characters written in one text! A single tear drew down my face, as my finger graced towards the send button. No proof reading was aloud.........because as my heart drew closer to press SEND........................i took one last look at the screen.........................AND I PRESSED DELETE!!!!!!!!
Reality
~THE HARDEST THING TO DO IS TO BE QUIET, SAY NOTHING AND WALK AWAY.....I'M DONE EXPRESSING HOW I FEEL, I'M DONE BEGGING YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME AND HEAR ME.....BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY I'M DONE NOT CARING ABOUT ME.....I WON'T TREAT YOU HOW YOU TREATED ME....I WON'T SAY HURTFUL THINGS OR ALLOW YOU TO UPSET ME...I'LL JUST SIMPLY BE HUMBLE, SAY NOTHING AND WALK AWAY.....ladies and gentlemen i hope through my situation you can find strength through me!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Poetic Intimate #1: "A Living Soul"
Between Me and You,
To have known how i felt about you, would surely extract a burst of emotions
A year of my time spent loving someone with so much devotion
Though i never told you how i truly felt because you wouldn't allow it
Loving someone in chains has proven my heart so tragic
You told me from the start what it was
And i was down for whatever just because
Then my heart grew fonder and you never pushed me away
You kept on sexually loving me and pushing your heart away
Deceit, Lies, Persuasion and Lust were the story of our lives
I loved and you liked, as you could easily say goodbye
A living soul came and left for you but it left a scar with me
Now your negligence of my heart and feelings just hurts me
I spend nights crying and sulking
But my days are worse,
As i envision your face, every moment and how happy i thought we were
A lover and a friend hell i thought i struck gold
But i recieved less as your heart grew even more cold
I'm stuck with not even you to blame
I blame myself for all my hurt and grievious pain
These weeks without contact have proven the hardest
As I go on day by day and see how much you don't care, proves my heart so honest
How could i be that easy to be forgotten as i thought i was a jewel
To never be enough for you makes me look like a damn fool
I pour my insecurites and heartache out on this page
Because this is where i wanna leave you, never to return again
I forgive myself and i forgive you
But this scar you left will never be removed
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Letting Go....Not!
Between Me and You,
Silence feels the room as i try to search for understanding...this is the second time i've called you in a row, as my body heats up with anger. I'M SO ANGRY!!!! i sit and stare out the window, i get on my knees and weep....i feel below zero with my emotion to say F it and Cheat!
The Beginning
as i met him on a late summer night....the previous year we had been flirting but nothing to heavy.. I was on an emotional independence from it all so i felt i was strong enough to give you my time. We started hanging out, sexual endeavors became first on our plate then a friendship/relationship drove emotions into My heart. I continued to sexually explore with others considering our casual agreement to just be friends. But then you started giving more time and more hugs and my casual endeavors couldn't cure my Heart from beating so fast by just hearing your name. They meant nothing to me...no matter how many nights i spent i still drew your name on my heart regardless of what we both said each other meant. We went on dates soon becoming exclusive and our emotions dug heavily into each others eyes as each day we yearned to meet each other. You showed me care and love although u never spoke it.
My Assumption
Our agreement to be casual mentally was broken as my everyday became apart of your day to day! Relationship tendencies, textual consistency, and mental efficiency i knew you were the one. Still unofficial i played with the game thinking i could handle the effects. I assumed he was as hopeless as i was and that no matter what we would still try to make this work. My assumption kept me, because anytime i came close to expressing my feelings my lips drew shut and my eyes closed with fear. Your truth wasn't my truth and as long as our truth involved me and you words weren't meant to be spoken.
Mental vs. Emotional
Logic left a couple months back as we made a toxic decision that affected both our lives. One decision i felt brought us closer in the moment. My assumption still held fast as you were there for me every step of the way. Not knowing you were doing what you were supposed to do not just because you wanted to my heart blew up with adoration for your heart. The end was drawing near...unafraid of my quest on to adulthood and your quest of stagnant being....i became extremely vulnerable! My mental told me to get up and run as fast as i could but my emotional left me paralyzed in your arms as i continued to lay there!
Signs
My conscience grew stronger as i felt you drift away...you were tryna please them then her, then they, that you for got about we...But wait let me look at the signs....from the start you kept your promise as i waivered on mine, from the start you only did what i allowed you to do which was escape with my heart and from the start you never expressed your Love or a willingness to love as my assumptions filled those blanks. And from the start you never told me that i wouldn't see those blatant SIGNS on your neck! Now i decided to run......and i ran fast! He never chased me, he only called! after 5seconds those calls stopped and it turned to.........................................Silence..
The So Called End
Who was i running from........him or myself!! As i got away from him i looked at myself in the mirror with tears exploding down my face! no matter where i escaped to this staggering hurt and pity filled my body. A weakness came over my SOUL as reality hit in maybe HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU......so i tried to fill that void with another one of "YOU".......he showed me care and compassion but i JUST WASN'T THAT INTO HIM.....why treat someone how i was treated in order to put a bandaid on my own feelings. I didn't wanna take the SELFISH approach....so i went through a stage of COLD TURKEY!!! it lasted for..........a couple of months!
Over and Over Again
Then i saw you.................feeling liberated and once again strong enough to talk to you i built a wall!! you broke it down with one sentence you've never said , "I APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE...AND TO SAY THE LEAST I MISS YOU"...my heart melted! (i know what your thinking weak lol) the proper thing to do would have been, to be able to unbitterly say thank you, i wish you the best and walk away...But i became flesh in a matter of 2sec!
My conclusion
I leave this open ended to say as humans we have situations we battle with inside ourselves from day to day. We have insecurities that allow others to come in and treat us any kind of way. Love Yourself because you're the only one responsible for you. Leaving your heart in someone else's hands regardless of emotions is dangerous. From the start i had an intuition but i allowed a casual situation to recieve all of me! When u make a decision stick to it! Don't waiver because of emotions. When someone states the obvious to you don't assume that your actions can change them, or because yall went through a personal situation together that it would bring yall emotionally closer. Always do what's best for you! when in doubt look at the situation from a 3rd person's P.O.V and ask yourself is this how you want to be treated or do you deserve better! Never Settle for anything less than what you deserve take every situation thats emotionally a burden and set your goals on a day to day basis......................
With all that being said TODAY i decide to be done with this situation....TODAY i'm letting go!! I hope you all find strength in my situation..
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Silence feels the room as i try to search for understanding...this is the second time i've called you in a row, as my body heats up with anger. I'M SO ANGRY!!!! i sit and stare out the window, i get on my knees and weep....i feel below zero with my emotion to say F it and Cheat!
The Beginning
as i met him on a late summer night....the previous year we had been flirting but nothing to heavy.. I was on an emotional independence from it all so i felt i was strong enough to give you my time. We started hanging out, sexual endeavors became first on our plate then a friendship/relationship drove emotions into My heart. I continued to sexually explore with others considering our casual agreement to just be friends. But then you started giving more time and more hugs and my casual endeavors couldn't cure my Heart from beating so fast by just hearing your name. They meant nothing to me...no matter how many nights i spent i still drew your name on my heart regardless of what we both said each other meant. We went on dates soon becoming exclusive and our emotions dug heavily into each others eyes as each day we yearned to meet each other. You showed me care and love although u never spoke it.
My Assumption
Our agreement to be casual mentally was broken as my everyday became apart of your day to day! Relationship tendencies, textual consistency, and mental efficiency i knew you were the one. Still unofficial i played with the game thinking i could handle the effects. I assumed he was as hopeless as i was and that no matter what we would still try to make this work. My assumption kept me, because anytime i came close to expressing my feelings my lips drew shut and my eyes closed with fear. Your truth wasn't my truth and as long as our truth involved me and you words weren't meant to be spoken.
Mental vs. Emotional
Logic left a couple months back as we made a toxic decision that affected both our lives. One decision i felt brought us closer in the moment. My assumption still held fast as you were there for me every step of the way. Not knowing you were doing what you were supposed to do not just because you wanted to my heart blew up with adoration for your heart. The end was drawing near...unafraid of my quest on to adulthood and your quest of stagnant being....i became extremely vulnerable! My mental told me to get up and run as fast as i could but my emotional left me paralyzed in your arms as i continued to lay there!
Signs
My conscience grew stronger as i felt you drift away...you were tryna please them then her, then they, that you for got about we...But wait let me look at the signs....from the start you kept your promise as i waivered on mine, from the start you only did what i allowed you to do which was escape with my heart and from the start you never expressed your Love or a willingness to love as my assumptions filled those blanks. And from the start you never told me that i wouldn't see those blatant SIGNS on your neck! Now i decided to run......and i ran fast! He never chased me, he only called! after 5seconds those calls stopped and it turned to.........................................Silence..
The So Called End
Who was i running from........him or myself!! As i got away from him i looked at myself in the mirror with tears exploding down my face! no matter where i escaped to this staggering hurt and pity filled my body. A weakness came over my SOUL as reality hit in maybe HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU......so i tried to fill that void with another one of "YOU".......he showed me care and compassion but i JUST WASN'T THAT INTO HIM.....why treat someone how i was treated in order to put a bandaid on my own feelings. I didn't wanna take the SELFISH approach....so i went through a stage of COLD TURKEY!!! it lasted for..........a couple of months!
Over and Over Again
Then i saw you.................feeling liberated and once again strong enough to talk to you i built a wall!! you broke it down with one sentence you've never said , "I APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE...AND TO SAY THE LEAST I MISS YOU"...my heart melted! (i know what your thinking weak lol) the proper thing to do would have been, to be able to unbitterly say thank you, i wish you the best and walk away...But i became flesh in a matter of 2sec!
My conclusion
I leave this open ended to say as humans we have situations we battle with inside ourselves from day to day. We have insecurities that allow others to come in and treat us any kind of way. Love Yourself because you're the only one responsible for you. Leaving your heart in someone else's hands regardless of emotions is dangerous. From the start i had an intuition but i allowed a casual situation to recieve all of me! When u make a decision stick to it! Don't waiver because of emotions. When someone states the obvious to you don't assume that your actions can change them, or because yall went through a personal situation together that it would bring yall emotionally closer. Always do what's best for you! when in doubt look at the situation from a 3rd person's P.O.V and ask yourself is this how you want to be treated or do you deserve better! Never Settle for anything less than what you deserve take every situation thats emotionally a burden and set your goals on a day to day basis......................
With all that being said TODAY i decide to be done with this situation....TODAY i'm letting go!! I hope you all find strength in my situation..
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Telling Me What i Wanna Hear
Between Me and You,
IMA NEED YOU TO SAY SOMETHING BABY(drizzy)......
............but ummmm that doesn't mean ANYTHING??!!! When u approach me in efforts of getting to know me....smoothly your first question is "WHAT KIND OF GUYS DO U LIKE"...now normally i would answer that question accordingly:
~Dark
~Short-Haircut (i'm at times meticulous)
~Goal Oriented
~Cultured
~CONSISTENT
~Not over 300 lbs lmao (SHALLOW i know)
~Chivalrous
~Funny
~Intelligent
......and the list can go on!!! So with all that being said u in RETURN become my PROTOTYPE!!! You become the man i described and you so fittingly "TELL ME WHAT I WANNA HEAR"....you explain to me that your serious about life and a future with me, you Chivalrously(idk if that's a word) woooo me! You start cracking JOKES as a matter of fact you become a comedian, you court me enough to have a dire passion to wanna SEE YOU a.s.a.p....
Now what's wrong with this picture as you continuously seduce my mind...Logic left along time ago when your voice deepened on the phone and your whispered about how i was sooo FINE. You then explained your qualities of a perfect woman that you desire...and fittingly that PROTOTYPE described ME... so i'm sitting on the phone in Awww telling all my girl friends via TEXT how important you are to me..YET we still haven't went on one FIRST DATE...
The First Date
Thinking it would be at a nice jazz club or even a park......we end up at your crib! I overlook logic of the entire situation b/c i was told what i wanted to hear...All i knew was that i wanted to see you and what's more better than a place thats more conveniant FOR YOU..... I overlook morals and standards b/c i'm sure that you wanna be in a relationship with me!! AFTER ALL THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD ME... so physicality becomes apart of the agenda and i indulge in HEART first...
When its Over
I head home as silence feels my car....my phone doesn't ring it vibrates w/a TEXT explaining the difficulty of your HEART...you've realized that i'm no longer the PROTOTYPE of what you want....and my ears go deaf as they search to be told something familiar that once whispered I AM WHAT HE WANTS....but yet you now are SILENT as i yearn for you to TELL ME WHAT I WANNA HEAR....now my conscious seeps in as the TRUTH becomes more and more hurtful and hard to bare. I decide i wanna hate you... but LADIES IT WAS MY OWN INSECURITIES NOT HIS.... wanting to be told what I WANTED TO HEAR...
Rewind to the Begininning of an END
As soon as he asked me "WHAT KIND OF GUYS I LIKE" i should've walked away... if your interested in getting to know me, my TYPE shouldn't matter to you nor anyone else. Words are not to get caught up on..... anyone can SAY SOMETHING BABY, but few can SHOW YOU HOW THEY FEEL....a good man doesn't need to verbalize his Great qualities and features..he stands confident in himself and follows through with his actions. He shouldn't feel comfortable inviting you to his crib for a first date. KNOW YOUR WORTH LADIES.... in the words of my homegirl BEYONCE, "there's just certain things as women we shouldn't deal with"...At the end of that situation i placed the blame on MYSELF b/c i should've wanted better for me.....Intimately speaking i hope you find strength in me. This goes vice a versa for FELLAS as well. Know you worth!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
IMA NEED YOU TO SAY SOMETHING BABY(drizzy)......
............but ummmm that doesn't mean ANYTHING??!!! When u approach me in efforts of getting to know me....smoothly your first question is "WHAT KIND OF GUYS DO U LIKE"...now normally i would answer that question accordingly:
~Dark
~Short-Haircut (i'm at times meticulous)
~Goal Oriented
~Cultured
~CONSISTENT
~Not over 300 lbs lmao (SHALLOW i know)
~Chivalrous
~Funny
~Intelligent
......and the list can go on!!! So with all that being said u in RETURN become my PROTOTYPE!!! You become the man i described and you so fittingly "TELL ME WHAT I WANNA HEAR"....you explain to me that your serious about life and a future with me, you Chivalrously(idk if that's a word) woooo me! You start cracking JOKES as a matter of fact you become a comedian, you court me enough to have a dire passion to wanna SEE YOU a.s.a.p....
Now what's wrong with this picture as you continuously seduce my mind...Logic left along time ago when your voice deepened on the phone and your whispered about how i was sooo FINE. You then explained your qualities of a perfect woman that you desire...and fittingly that PROTOTYPE described ME... so i'm sitting on the phone in Awww telling all my girl friends via TEXT how important you are to me..YET we still haven't went on one FIRST DATE...
The First Date
Thinking it would be at a nice jazz club or even a park......we end up at your crib! I overlook logic of the entire situation b/c i was told what i wanted to hear...All i knew was that i wanted to see you and what's more better than a place thats more conveniant FOR YOU..... I overlook morals and standards b/c i'm sure that you wanna be in a relationship with me!! AFTER ALL THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD ME... so physicality becomes apart of the agenda and i indulge in HEART first...
When its Over
I head home as silence feels my car....my phone doesn't ring it vibrates w/a TEXT explaining the difficulty of your HEART...you've realized that i'm no longer the PROTOTYPE of what you want....and my ears go deaf as they search to be told something familiar that once whispered I AM WHAT HE WANTS....but yet you now are SILENT as i yearn for you to TELL ME WHAT I WANNA HEAR....now my conscious seeps in as the TRUTH becomes more and more hurtful and hard to bare. I decide i wanna hate you... but LADIES IT WAS MY OWN INSECURITIES NOT HIS.... wanting to be told what I WANTED TO HEAR...
Rewind to the Begininning of an END
As soon as he asked me "WHAT KIND OF GUYS I LIKE" i should've walked away... if your interested in getting to know me, my TYPE shouldn't matter to you nor anyone else. Words are not to get caught up on..... anyone can SAY SOMETHING BABY, but few can SHOW YOU HOW THEY FEEL....a good man doesn't need to verbalize his Great qualities and features..he stands confident in himself and follows through with his actions. He shouldn't feel comfortable inviting you to his crib for a first date. KNOW YOUR WORTH LADIES.... in the words of my homegirl BEYONCE, "there's just certain things as women we shouldn't deal with"...At the end of that situation i placed the blame on MYSELF b/c i should've wanted better for me.....Intimately speaking i hope you find strength in me. This goes vice a versa for FELLAS as well. Know you worth!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Monday, January 4, 2010
Passionate Vocals: KARINA PASIAN "SLOW MOTION"
Between me and you,
This song is absolutely beautiful...the simplicity of the lyrics touch me!! everyone listen to this SONG:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ad0cvNJdB2M
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
This song is absolutely beautiful...the simplicity of the lyrics touch me!! everyone listen to this SONG:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ad0cvNJdB2M
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
An Empty Facade
Between Me and You
I wanna love....i would be lying if i kept putting this front up. Truthfully at times i hurt. Because i don't see in me what you see! I know in my mind that i have so much to give. To be honest i give way too much. This strong and well put together facade has masked my hurt but yet my insecurites seep through. I look around and hate my envy i feel towards some who's grass seems much greener. Thinking logically i know its not but because my HEART bleeds optimism i fall for the head over heels false sense of physical momentary satisfaction... YALL I FALL HARD! everytime...i'm sad to say there's no in between in me!
My facade is a lie so let me tell yall the honest me:
~I'm extremely EMOTIONAL
~At times VERY sensitive
~My eyes water when i feel insecure
~I choose MEDIOCRE men because i feel empowered while with them
~I'm afraid of my match
~I've always paid on a date
~I've never truly been loved
~I'm goofy
~I'm clumsy
~I wear mix-matched pajamas
~I love romantic movies
~I hatebeing vulnerable
~I cheat not b/c i want to but because i'm always insecure in the relationship
~I don't believe that someone could TRULY love me as much as i love them
My facade supersedes FALSE... alot of these qualities i portray deep in my heart! i blame none of my insecurites on others...because i've had the chance to decide i want better with every encounter of my life! I'm not looking for a man to take on my insecurities and problems..they're things that i have worked on and still continue to work on til this day. I simply want "HIM" to accept me as i am...
KARINA PASIAN "SLOW MOTION", "why can't i love you in slow motion, take my time, take away the pressure, off my mind....really get to know you and REWIND...i wanna love you in slow motion, why can't i"..
I no longer want to hide who i am...nor pretend to not wanna call you when i do. nor pretend to not wanna hold you when i do...nor to pretend to not wanna spend all day with you when i do...i want to LOSE this facade with someone who will love "EVERY INCH, EVERY CURVE, AND EVERY FRECKLE of MY SKIN"....I'm tired of mediocracy so today i choose to want more for myself....and Kill this EMPTY FACADE.
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
I wanna love....i would be lying if i kept putting this front up. Truthfully at times i hurt. Because i don't see in me what you see! I know in my mind that i have so much to give. To be honest i give way too much. This strong and well put together facade has masked my hurt but yet my insecurites seep through. I look around and hate my envy i feel towards some who's grass seems much greener. Thinking logically i know its not but because my HEART bleeds optimism i fall for the head over heels false sense of physical momentary satisfaction... YALL I FALL HARD! everytime...i'm sad to say there's no in between in me!
My facade is a lie so let me tell yall the honest me:
~I'm extremely EMOTIONAL
~At times VERY sensitive
~My eyes water when i feel insecure
~I choose MEDIOCRE men because i feel empowered while with them
~I'm afraid of my match
~I've always paid on a date
~I've never truly been loved
~I'm goofy
~I'm clumsy
~I wear mix-matched pajamas
~I love romantic movies
~I hatebeing vulnerable
~I cheat not b/c i want to but because i'm always insecure in the relationship
~I don't believe that someone could TRULY love me as much as i love them
My facade supersedes FALSE... alot of these qualities i portray deep in my heart! i blame none of my insecurites on others...because i've had the chance to decide i want better with every encounter of my life! I'm not looking for a man to take on my insecurities and problems..they're things that i have worked on and still continue to work on til this day. I simply want "HIM" to accept me as i am...
KARINA PASIAN "SLOW MOTION", "why can't i love you in slow motion, take my time, take away the pressure, off my mind....really get to know you and REWIND...i wanna love you in slow motion, why can't i"..
I no longer want to hide who i am...nor pretend to not wanna call you when i do. nor pretend to not wanna hold you when i do...nor to pretend to not wanna spend all day with you when i do...i want to LOSE this facade with someone who will love "EVERY INCH, EVERY CURVE, AND EVERY FRECKLE of MY SKIN"....I'm tired of mediocracy so today i choose to want more for myself....and Kill this EMPTY FACADE.
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
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