I promised myself U wouldn't Put UR Hands On Me Again......

Running in full speed sadness subsides me...... i slow my pace as anger begins to rush over me! I stop and take a look around as fear consumes me..i look down and tell my feet to keep moving! Not sure where to go i find my car, i lift down my mirror, face RED and HOT i once again began to cry...i slam the fold of the mirror into the ceiling of my car..breaking down into pieces i lose my will to drive and just as my faith begins to subside i see his face and feet moving swiftly to my car...........I TAKE OFF


The Summer

Its the summer going into my sophomore year and my first time living in campus apartments. I take a deep breath and step out the car unaware of the excitement to come. My phone rings and his voice begins to speak unaffected by his loving emotion towards me i lose all interest in everything he continues to speak....While his voice blares in my ear i quickly lose focus as HE walks by my car. OMG my heart begins to race.....i quickly dismiss HIM off my phone and attend all my attention to HE...... I vie for his undivided attention for him to finally notice me. he slowly approaches me and i quickly become lost in his words..he leads me on with subtle gestures of mysterious hints towards LOVE....so i engage myself on getting to know HIM better. If there was ever a case of love at first sight i would've surely been a partaker in the case study because i never grew so much in love with a person at the beginning of a summer. Summer Love was far from my mind but somehow are connection superseded any fairytale, novel, hopeless, romantic love jones utopia i could've ever imagined. We grew inseparable....

Time Moved Quick

By the middle of the summer we were together. He lived with me and i longed for him. I would study attend work as his schedule would be the same and when he got home food was sitting ready on the table. I loved his being and for sure he loved me. Emotions and words that we never expressed to another we were each others FIRST. Countless nights were spent becoming more and more vulnerable to each other.....as i removed his layers he removed mine and together we embraced our fear of the unknown and somehow became bonded together.Our lust for each other was underestimated. Countless nights were spent exploring each others bodies, minds and hearts.....Only if everything could've stayed as blissful as that summer.

FALL SEMESTER

School was finally here and a new woman emerged. I was beyond ready to show off my summer love. He seemed willing to stand by my side and brave this new semester just as much as I. He engaged in other activities that took up parts of his time but i was beyond understanding as whatever made him happy would be apart of my life. I was willing to accept every flaw about him. Most importantly i was willing to love him for him. I could careless about what he became or who became his new friends the only person i cared about was deeper beyond those thick layers of skin. No One else mattered. No One else caught my attention and concerning him....there were no insecurities within that ever made me doubt him. I was the definition of someone who would be there through thick and thin. A definition that soon became too much for even him to comprehend. You see one thing that left me so naive was the fact that i was giving HIM all of Me...i never once stopped to think what would happen if he HURT ME...


2 Nights Before

We had a regular routine...As i got off work i would head home with food in hand, something for him to eat. As i got in my room i followed our regular routine. I slipped into some comfortable clothes i sat at the edge of the bed and looked at my phone. Tonight was unusual but still again my routine was the same. I pick up the phone to call him and his voice appears through the phone. Excitement renders through my body as i figure out his whereabouts nothing to out of the norm except for the nervousness in his tone. This conversation seemed very quick after he promised to give me a call when he headed my way...i couldn't get over the quaint  feelings of how quick our regular routine somehow tonight became ditched. I sat at home and waited patiently removing any thoughts of doubt from my mind as he had never forsaken me but an hour later something tells me to pick up the phone and call him one more time. As i dial the number i begin to shake as i'm trying to understand why its almost midnight and i haven't seen his face. The phone rings tirelessly as i continued to call in sequences of three. I drop the phone and fall to the floor as the pit of my stomach drops through the floor. I begin to weep because although all i can render is assumptions my conscience is now proving to be working. 12am turns into 3am as i still hear nothing from him. I called again and he answers. His voice seems different as excitement left his earlier tone and now has turned into defensiveness of my suspicions. He makes up a quick fabrication and assures me the time of his arrival towards my destination. All i could hear were the words soon. So i become angry towards my conscience and tried to once again become blissfully consumed. I tried to forget the earlier misunderstandings but things just were not the same.

Once the truth is revealed to u, u can no longer continue to be blind and at that moment i chose to wanna be blind. I didn't wanna break our routine and i damn sure didn't wanna think or believe he was capable of hurting me. My stomach in knots and my eyes swollen i still couldn't fall sleep. His promise of soon quickly turned into never as i watched the clock strike 4:45a.m I had had enough. I wasn't myself and God's truth at the moment wasn't enough for me. Looks like i was gonna have to learn the hard way. Little did i know what awaited me. I threw on some sweats wrapped my hair and sought to figure out this mystery. Where in the HELL could he be? Once again i dialed his number tirelessly. I heard no more rings just his voicemail greeting me. That fueled my fury and i slammed my apartment door..i walked over to his room in a matter of seconds. Nervous to walk up the steps something told me to turn around. I kept moving faster as the voice now became dimmer and dimmer. I reached his room and the front door was wide open. My heart was now beating out of my chest. I began to sweat as i had no idea what my next move would be as i approached his room. To my surprise it was wide open with every light in the house on. My heart now has burst open as i can't believe this is happening to me. Just as my throat becomes heavy and tears begin to well in my eyes i pull it together and i take a seat. I sat right there on the edge of his bed waiting.........seconds turned to minutes as another hour passed by i heard the front door swing open....

I knew it was him.....its crazy because a subtle bit of of calmness suddenly came over me. He stepped in the room shocked. His face frightened and nervous i calmly asked him, "where he had been?" He stuttered and nervously mustered up a defensive confidence that said, "at my homeboys house". As anger continued to rise in me how in the Hell could he just throw off on me any type of a lackadaisical justification. I once again calmly asked him....."is that right?" He again with an arrogant tone said, "yes that is right?" Trying to gain understanding before i lose it  I asked, well why couldn't you answer the phone at your HOMEBOYS house. Not humbled at all he said, "We were busy" I asked once again searching, "Who is she?" and he looked at me cold and ignoring the question and said, "why are you in my room?"......I became infuriated and a politely got up , said OK and walked out of the door. My anger turned to mush and i watched my once rock solid confidence turn to pure weakness. He was my everything....and to hear him so blatantly disrespect me, I could no longer search for an answer that i already knew. I had to walk a way from a man who i loved so dearly but my strength continued to fail me. My weeping turned to loud SOBS as i stormed out of his apartment. I was embarrassed, hurt, sick, belittled and down right disrespected. I got to my room and he never followed. How could his heart quickly become so uncaring. Was i the only one living in this love story?

As I got to my room......i sat alone facing my internal demons. He never Followed me, he just let me go...What did i do to him to deserve this. I felt torture as the truth harshly became revealed. All he did was call me. His voice unemotional he claimed he was sorry. As he heard my sympathetic pleading he now began to see the effects of his actions. I yelled at him through the phone to paint a picture of the hurt he had caused me. Now there was a sudden since of urgency. He now rushed to my room and and sought to comfort me from the pain HE had caused me. It was too late No band aid could fix the wound he gave me. I looked at him softly and said i wanna know the truth....So he told me everything..He explained that he had met another HER.....a temporary HER, that resulted in a casual night of lust....i can't even explain the hurt i felt. It was as if someone repeatedly punched me in the stomach. I became sick unable to cry any more. Dry heaving came next as i slipped into a mild depression. I lost my willingness to fight with him. As i became mute he did everything to comfort me. I couldn't move, i couldn't speak and i couldn't react all i wanted to so was sleep. I figured once i fell asleep this would all be over in the morning. My pain would be eased and we could slip back into our regular routine. When i woke up my emotions were numb. I became cold......he looked at me and once again began his sense of urgency. He reacted in every way possible to get me back but i wasn't having that!!!

The NIGHT that changed my LIFE

Numb from the last two nights of drama i soon lost the willingness to confide in anyone. I knew what had to be done. My heart drew cold as i never felt this empty before. All his calls never reached my ear as i sought to begin eliminating HIM. I wanted him out of my life. But i wanted him near. My heart was in limbo but my anger once again ignited my drive to be done. It was 8pm and he still continued to call. He dialed now from a different number becoming clever and was able to reach my ear. He realized his soft approach was no longer working so he tried to ignite fear. Unable to handle the consequences of his own mistakes he began to make me his Bait. He sunk low and sought to deteriorate any self love i had inside of me. He called me names, beat my self esteem down to a pulp and verbally brutalized me. Sunken to my pillow with wonder and hurt i couldn't understand where my Summer Love was? Who was this man....who had he become? Jealous because his own faults couldn't recieve another outcome now he sought destroy the love inside of me. In an effort to be done...i gave him a call and stated how i was coming to get my stuff. He hung up in my face and so it begun.....

The walk back over to his room was gore...Something about that night sat eerie on my chest. Knowing that familiar feeling i felt i needed my things to prove a statement that i was done. As i reached his door...the lock greeted me. Luckily his roommates were there to help me. They opened the door and i proceeded to his room. I knocked and knocked as his roommates returned back to their rooms. I was consistenly ignored as i heard him shuffling around through his door. I stated calmly that i didn't wanna argue i just wanted my things. That statement must've enraged him because it was returned with harsh yelling. I became scared as he cracked the door and hardened his heart with every insult. I asked if i could come in to get my things and was shoved back from his door. Now logically i should've left but unafraid of this new person he became i pleaded with my Summer Love to just give me my things..I once again get shoved away from his door. His eyes frightened me as i never saw a person so cold. The look on his face was FRIGID...it harbored no love, no softness and vulnerability.

Fear

I moved closer to the door again and he rushed out of his room grabbed me with full force and slammed me to the grown. His apartment rumbled...and my eyes closed shut. He then began to mush me repeatedly into the ground. As my head continued to hit the back of his apartment floor i clammed up and covered my head. I turned into a ball and as i revolted to a fetus position he took all his force and began to punch me...one shot hit the side of my face as the other grazed my rib cage. I felt no pain......All i felt was numbness due to shock...His roommates quickly rushed out of their rooms and contained him. He retreated to his room as i sat balled up on the floor, gripped my personal items and with all his force threw them at me.....

Awakened from the shock of everything i quickly grabbed my things and jetted out the front door....  Running in full speed sadness subsides me i felt LOW...... i slow my pace as anger begins to rush over me! I stop and take a look around as fear consumes me..i look down and tell my feet to keep moving! Not sure where to go i find my car, i lift down my mirror, face RED and HOT i once again began to cry...i slam the fold of the mirror into the ceiling of my car..breaking down into pieces i lose my will to drive and just as my faith begins to subside i see his face and feet moving swiftly to my car...........I TAKE OFF driving with no destination i pulled over to an abandoned parking lot at 10pm and fell into a deep depression. My confidence was shot, my heart was broken, my face was bruised and my whole being was embarrassed. Who do i talk to......who do i run too? With no answer i fell asleep in that parking lot in my car....i woke up afraid to return to my room as his rage carried over in to the morning with threatening voicemails...Unafraid of his demeanor i was more battered on my heart......what should i do?

The Aftermath

Until this moment i have never told the entire truth of the events that happened that night. To admit that I was involved in a domestic situation always triggers an emotion of weakness inside of me. Its easy to say what you would do in a domestic situation. I sure thought i had the answers. My self esteem was bruised and battered far worse than any scratches he left on my body. I felt ugly and unattractive. I felt weak. I was stagnant. I was scared! I blamed myself. I fabricated the story and never told the whole truth. I downgraded his blows to a minor shove  in efforts to protect him. I was still deeply in love. BUT ONCE I WOKE UP......i realized that i was in love with a man who never existed. I was in love with someone who i made up in my mind. You see i had a choice from the beginning to just walkaway but i chose to wanna placate. But that next day was different. In my lowest moment i gained strength. As the sun shined down on me I knew i would no longer be the same woman. I would no longer give anybody EVERY bit of me. I realized the only person who would receive 100% was the man shining down above me.That situation has truly shaped me. There were no excuses for his actions and although i began the painful process of healing my heart i promised myself he wouldn't put his hands on me again. I hope you find strength in me :)

~Intimately MalissaRenee~