Two Years Ago
We met on a summer evening....I was fresh out of a COMPLICATED situation so i wasn't looking for any mental affection...physical was a possibility, but i was eager to understand his intentions. He seemed if not more, as equally interested in me than I in him....so i dug deeper. We talked for hours...and as his voice hummed in my ear about his future endeavors i scanned that frame, to see if it would visually give me pleasure...He spoke with assurance, and confidence....he listened intently to my life goals and past accomplishments....he wanted to know everything about me! So I spoke eagerly, as many in the past weren't that interested to here my story....we fell for each other quickly..as this was a shock for me considering my previous situation had mentally and physically damaged me....i was unsure how i could feel for another so immensely!
Excited that he was just THAT in to me...I let myself fall blindly....we spent everyday on the phone or with each other....he made me temporarily happy and aloof to not wanting another. HE WAS THE ONE!!! We dated and he patiently waited for me mentally and physically..We finally reached that hump and I was surprised to see how his body fit so perfectly to me..We connected and grew closer to one another..We would occasionally hit a road block considering my desire to not want anyone like my past. I was guarded and he was guarded....but our passion overlooked our issues as we put months invested on our *situation* with one another. Time passed on and now we're past the stage of bliss.....everyday even more routine than the day before. We couldn't agree on the weather as we grew frustrated at one another...not even physicality could fix what we so quickly tore apart. Did we move to fast I asked him....and nonchalantly he replied....I mean...basically i can't give you what you want from me...ur not over your past and you half give yourself to me.. and because i'm not over my ex-girl and the past situation still F*cks wit me!! WHAT?? Are you F*cking kidding me........I said Ok and hung up the phone angrily!!
Healing
Time moved quickly as I forced myself to have ZERO contact! Thats the only way i move on from a situation and so far its been proven to work as Fact! Months went by without hearing his voice....i felt used mentally and physically as someone he needed to help him get over his divorce....Oh did i mention that when we met he was newly divorced from his ex-wife? So my feelings were hurt as I once again over extended myself in efforts to try to co-exist in someone else's life. Picking up the pieces I used this time to focus on me. My heart grew cold to any other possibilities.... Each day my healing became a hardened scar....the only way I know how to not make that same mistake twice is by locking away my heart....I started to not care....developing a reckless mind state.....F*ck their feelings is what my heart would say.....I obliged and I could care less....I was convinced that if their interested in me...it's only to see how far their mouth piece can get them....I was past the games....I played them they played them.......and each time I played them I was quickly in search for a next Him.....
1 year ago......Midnight
12:01a.m my phone rings.........and i hear his voice through the phone....he sounds as if he's choked up! I said HELLO and he said without any greeting I just wanted to apologize for all the things i've done...I've grown as a man and i realized I did not treat you the way you deserved...and for that I deeply apologize for your hurt...Shocked to hear his voice....my heart that was locked away so tightly softened... I said I appreciate you calling me and saying that.....it means alot to me!! Then i stopped.........and anger enraged me...my face grew hot...and i remember how he so quickly just left me......Forgiveness was not a factor....so I once again bolted my heart tight...and I said, "You really hurt me.......i gotta go"..........he called and called after that but I would not let myself forgive him......FOR WHAT....all these men with this baggage, and bullish...i was smelling myself and my new life to much to even reconsider FORGIVENESS......but my decision to not Forgive left me in this situation ahead..................
3 months ago
It was a huge storm.....and i sat at home in my bed thinking.........what do i want out of life?? His face flashed before my eyes....and I gasped at the realization of the decisions i chose to make.....the insurmountable mistakes I made with my hard heart decisions.....I figured the answer would be to call him....and finally FORGIVE him......HE WAS THE ONE..well he was the one i wanted for that night..my lust spoke loudly in my ear as i recalled the physical nature of our past relationship....my desire was so persistent that i couldn't convince my eager curiosity to not dial his number soooo...i said here it goes....Ring.....Ring...Ring......I sat anxiously waiting for him to pick up the phone.....My heart is pounding .5sec intervals apart. I mean after all, its been two years since we last encountered! Would he know my intentions, would he care about my intentions or would he want exactly what i want??? A deep voice answers the other end of the phone....HELLO...and all of a sudden my pretentious intentions went out the door.....
We decided to go grab dinner.......He was the ultimate gentleman...he opened up car doors, he took my coat, he ordered for me in the most chivalrous way and I was smitten!! He asked about my life and smiled at every answer I gave..his compliments were undying and our flirtation was beyond acceptable......I fell all over again.....the night was amazing....he drove me back to my car....and our dating started all over again...so I thought!!
I invited myself over....one night after a couple of days of not hearing from him........we sat and conversed....i forced myself past anger....and my previous physical intentions re-surfaced...I was aggressive as i figured that would glue the loose ends. I tried to over look his minimal interest as he kissed my neck....foreplay went on for hours as i was extremely pleased....our night grew more enjoyable and passionate as I said to myself..of course he feels the same way as me...When our passion ended we both laid their holding each other...He asked me, what were my intentions with him....and why after two years was I reaching out to him? GREAT QUESTION........i felt i was lacking something.....and when i feel like i'm lacking something i try to think back to the last time I felt loved and appreciated....i try to think back to the last time I felt beautiful.....and I try to think back to the last person who thought i was beautiful......I told him that all of those thoughts made me think of him...and i was completely wrong for not forgiving him...
But I thought.......
He looked at me and said...i think you are an amazing girl.....and I have loved the time we spent together...but for two years i've tried to show you how much I was sorry for the way I treated you....for two years..I have reached out in an effort to show you how much I loved you...And after two years I can honestly say that i don't want that from you anymore......You so quickly shut me out of your life and became cold....how do i know you won't do that to me again? It's a risk right now in my life that i'm not willing to take...and Malissa it's been two years? It took you two years to realize that you cared about me??
My heart sunk into the floor....as i made excuses....as i tried to explain my reasoning as i asked him to understand how I felt....and try to FORGIVE me........see i thought that he would always feel the same way about me...he said Malissa i'm sorry but it's too late!! I put on my clothes slowly.....i was in shock...I realized that i truly F*cked up.....aside from what happened he was a great guy....everything that I could want in a man...and as I walked out of his door...i hugged him and said i'm Sorry!! I drove home crying uncontrollably......
My Thoughts....
My hurt wasn't triggered by thinking he was the one.....my hurt was triggered by not taking my mistakes with him and moving on in life to apply what I have learned to something and someone else.....all situations aren't meant to be rekindled....but when we put ourselves in situations that have a rocky past...we set ourselves up for failure. There are specific reasons you are removed from certain situations.....you can't fix a situation that has been broken for years.....so after that humbling experience...i chose to positively move forward and hopefully learn from my mistakes....I hope you find strength through me.....
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
