Running in full speed sadness subsides me...... i slow my pace as anger begins to rush over me! I stop and take a look around as fear consumes me..i look down and tell my feet to keep moving! Not sure where to go i find my car, i lift down my mirror, face RED and HOT i once again began to cry...i slam the fold of the mirror into the ceiling of my car..breaking down into pieces i lose my will to drive and just as my faith begins to subside i see his face and feet moving swiftly to my car...........I TAKE OFF
The Summer
Its the summer going into my sophomore year and my first time living in campus apartments. I take a deep breath and step out the car unaware of the excitement to come. My phone rings and his voice begins to speak unaffected by his loving emotion towards me i lose all interest in everything he continues to speak....While his voice blares in my ear i quickly lose focus as HE walks by my car. OMG my heart begins to race.....i quickly dismiss HIM off my phone and attend all my attention to HE...... I vie for his undivided attention for him to finally notice me. he slowly approaches me and i quickly become lost in his words..he leads me on with subtle gestures of mysterious hints towards LOVE....so i engage myself on getting to know HIM better. If there was ever a case of love at first sight i would've surely been a partaker in the case study because i never grew so much in love with a person at the beginning of a summer. Summer Love was far from my mind but somehow are connection superseded any fairytale, novel, hopeless, romantic love jones utopia i could've ever imagined. We grew inseparable....
Time Moved Quick
By the middle of the summer we were together. He lived with me and i longed for him. I would study attend work as his schedule would be the same and when he got home food was sitting ready on the table. I loved his being and for sure he loved me. Emotions and words that we never expressed to another we were each others FIRST. Countless nights were spent becoming more and more vulnerable to each other.....as i removed his layers he removed mine and together we embraced our fear of the unknown and somehow became bonded together.Our lust for each other was underestimated. Countless nights were spent exploring each others bodies, minds and hearts.....Only if everything could've stayed as blissful as that summer.
FALL SEMESTER
School was finally here and a new woman emerged. I was beyond ready to show off my summer love. He seemed willing to stand by my side and brave this new semester just as much as I. He engaged in other activities that took up parts of his time but i was beyond understanding as whatever made him happy would be apart of my life. I was willing to accept every flaw about him. Most importantly i was willing to love him for him. I could careless about what he became or who became his new friends the only person i cared about was deeper beyond those thick layers of skin. No One else mattered. No One else caught my attention and concerning him....there were no insecurities within that ever made me doubt him. I was the definition of someone who would be there through thick and thin. A definition that soon became too much for even him to comprehend. You see one thing that left me so naive was the fact that i was giving HIM all of Me...i never once stopped to think what would happen if he HURT ME...
2 Nights Before
We had a regular routine...As i got off work i would head home with food in hand, something for him to eat. As i got in my room i followed our regular routine. I slipped into some comfortable clothes i sat at the edge of the bed and looked at my phone. Tonight was unusual but still again my routine was the same. I pick up the phone to call him and his voice appears through the phone. Excitement renders through my body as i figure out his whereabouts nothing to out of the norm except for the nervousness in his tone. This conversation seemed very quick after he promised to give me a call when he headed my way...i couldn't get over the quaint feelings of how quick our regular routine somehow tonight became ditched. I sat at home and waited patiently removing any thoughts of doubt from my mind as he had never forsaken me but an hour later something tells me to pick up the phone and call him one more time. As i dial the number i begin to shake as i'm trying to understand why its almost midnight and i haven't seen his face. The phone rings tirelessly as i continued to call in sequences of three. I drop the phone and fall to the floor as the pit of my stomach drops through the floor. I begin to weep because although all i can render is assumptions my conscience is now proving to be working. 12am turns into 3am as i still hear nothing from him. I called again and he answers. His voice seems different as excitement left his earlier tone and now has turned into defensiveness of my suspicions. He makes up a quick fabrication and assures me the time of his arrival towards my destination. All i could hear were the words soon. So i become angry towards my conscience and tried to once again become blissfully consumed. I tried to forget the earlier misunderstandings but things just were not the same.
Once the truth is revealed to u, u can no longer continue to be blind and at that moment i chose to wanna be blind. I didn't wanna break our routine and i damn sure didn't wanna think or believe he was capable of hurting me. My stomach in knots and my eyes swollen i still couldn't fall sleep. His promise of soon quickly turned into never as i watched the clock strike 4:45a.m I had had enough. I wasn't myself and God's truth at the moment wasn't enough for me. Looks like i was gonna have to learn the hard way. Little did i know what awaited me. I threw on some sweats wrapped my hair and sought to figure out this mystery. Where in the HELL could he be? Once again i dialed his number tirelessly. I heard no more rings just his voicemail greeting me. That fueled my fury and i slammed my apartment door..i walked over to his room in a matter of seconds. Nervous to walk up the steps something told me to turn around. I kept moving faster as the voice now became dimmer and dimmer. I reached his room and the front door was wide open. My heart was now beating out of my chest. I began to sweat as i had no idea what my next move would be as i approached his room. To my surprise it was wide open with every light in the house on. My heart now has burst open as i can't believe this is happening to me. Just as my throat becomes heavy and tears begin to well in my eyes i pull it together and i take a seat. I sat right there on the edge of his bed waiting.........seconds turned to minutes as another hour passed by i heard the front door swing open....
I knew it was him.....its crazy because a subtle bit of of calmness suddenly came over me. He stepped in the room shocked. His face frightened and nervous i calmly asked him, "where he had been?" He stuttered and nervously mustered up a defensive confidence that said, "at my homeboys house". As anger continued to rise in me how in the Hell could he just throw off on me any type of a lackadaisical justification. I once again calmly asked him....."is that right?" He again with an arrogant tone said, "yes that is right?" Trying to gain understanding before i lose it I asked, well why couldn't you answer the phone at your HOMEBOYS house. Not humbled at all he said, "We were busy" I asked once again searching, "Who is she?" and he looked at me cold and ignoring the question and said, "why are you in my room?"......I became infuriated and a politely got up , said OK and walked out of the door. My anger turned to mush and i watched my once rock solid confidence turn to pure weakness. He was my everything....and to hear him so blatantly disrespect me, I could no longer search for an answer that i already knew. I had to walk a way from a man who i loved so dearly but my strength continued to fail me. My weeping turned to loud SOBS as i stormed out of his apartment. I was embarrassed, hurt, sick, belittled and down right disrespected. I got to my room and he never followed. How could his heart quickly become so uncaring. Was i the only one living in this love story?
As I got to my room......i sat alone facing my internal demons. He never Followed me, he just let me go...What did i do to him to deserve this. I felt torture as the truth harshly became revealed. All he did was call me. His voice unemotional he claimed he was sorry. As he heard my sympathetic pleading he now began to see the effects of his actions. I yelled at him through the phone to paint a picture of the hurt he had caused me. Now there was a sudden since of urgency. He now rushed to my room and and sought to comfort me from the pain HE had caused me. It was too late No band aid could fix the wound he gave me. I looked at him softly and said i wanna know the truth....So he told me everything..He explained that he had met another HER.....a temporary HER, that resulted in a casual night of lust....i can't even explain the hurt i felt. It was as if someone repeatedly punched me in the stomach. I became sick unable to cry any more. Dry heaving came next as i slipped into a mild depression. I lost my willingness to fight with him. As i became mute he did everything to comfort me. I couldn't move, i couldn't speak and i couldn't react all i wanted to so was sleep. I figured once i fell asleep this would all be over in the morning. My pain would be eased and we could slip back into our regular routine. When i woke up my emotions were numb. I became cold......he looked at me and once again began his sense of urgency. He reacted in every way possible to get me back but i wasn't having that!!!
The NIGHT that changed my LIFE
Numb from the last two nights of drama i soon lost the willingness to confide in anyone. I knew what had to be done. My heart drew cold as i never felt this empty before. All his calls never reached my ear as i sought to begin eliminating HIM. I wanted him out of my life. But i wanted him near. My heart was in limbo but my anger once again ignited my drive to be done. It was 8pm and he still continued to call. He dialed now from a different number becoming clever and was able to reach my ear. He realized his soft approach was no longer working so he tried to ignite fear. Unable to handle the consequences of his own mistakes he began to make me his Bait. He sunk low and sought to deteriorate any self love i had inside of me. He called me names, beat my self esteem down to a pulp and verbally brutalized me. Sunken to my pillow with wonder and hurt i couldn't understand where my Summer Love was? Who was this man....who had he become? Jealous because his own faults couldn't recieve another outcome now he sought destroy the love inside of me. In an effort to be done...i gave him a call and stated how i was coming to get my stuff. He hung up in my face and so it begun.....
The walk back over to his room was gore...Something about that night sat eerie on my chest. Knowing that familiar feeling i felt i needed my things to prove a statement that i was done. As i reached his door...the lock greeted me. Luckily his roommates were there to help me. They opened the door and i proceeded to his room. I knocked and knocked as his roommates returned back to their rooms. I was consistenly ignored as i heard him shuffling around through his door. I stated calmly that i didn't wanna argue i just wanted my things. That statement must've enraged him because it was returned with harsh yelling. I became scared as he cracked the door and hardened his heart with every insult. I asked if i could come in to get my things and was shoved back from his door. Now logically i should've left but unafraid of this new person he became i pleaded with my Summer Love to just give me my things..I once again get shoved away from his door. His eyes frightened me as i never saw a person so cold. The look on his face was FRIGID...it harbored no love, no softness and vulnerability.
Fear
I moved closer to the door again and he rushed out of his room grabbed me with full force and slammed me to the grown. His apartment rumbled...and my eyes closed shut. He then began to mush me repeatedly into the ground. As my head continued to hit the back of his apartment floor i clammed up and covered my head. I turned into a ball and as i revolted to a fetus position he took all his force and began to punch me...one shot hit the side of my face as the other grazed my rib cage. I felt no pain......All i felt was numbness due to shock...His roommates quickly rushed out of their rooms and contained him. He retreated to his room as i sat balled up on the floor, gripped my personal items and with all his force threw them at me.....
Awakened from the shock of everything i quickly grabbed my things and jetted out the front door.... Running in full speed sadness subsides me i felt LOW...... i slow my pace as anger begins to rush over me! I stop and take a look around as fear consumes me..i look down and tell my feet to keep moving! Not sure where to go i find my car, i lift down my mirror, face RED and HOT i once again began to cry...i slam the fold of the mirror into the ceiling of my car..breaking down into pieces i lose my will to drive and just as my faith begins to subside i see his face and feet moving swiftly to my car...........I TAKE OFF driving with no destination i pulled over to an abandoned parking lot at 10pm and fell into a deep depression. My confidence was shot, my heart was broken, my face was bruised and my whole being was embarrassed. Who do i talk to......who do i run too? With no answer i fell asleep in that parking lot in my car....i woke up afraid to return to my room as his rage carried over in to the morning with threatening voicemails...Unafraid of his demeanor i was more battered on my heart......what should i do?
The Aftermath
Until this moment i have never told the entire truth of the events that happened that night. To admit that I was involved in a domestic situation always triggers an emotion of weakness inside of me. Its easy to say what you would do in a domestic situation. I sure thought i had the answers. My self esteem was bruised and battered far worse than any scratches he left on my body. I felt ugly and unattractive. I felt weak. I was stagnant. I was scared! I blamed myself. I fabricated the story and never told the whole truth. I downgraded his blows to a minor shove in efforts to protect him. I was still deeply in love. BUT ONCE I WOKE UP......i realized that i was in love with a man who never existed. I was in love with someone who i made up in my mind. You see i had a choice from the beginning to just walkaway but i chose to wanna placate. But that next day was different. In my lowest moment i gained strength. As the sun shined down on me I knew i would no longer be the same woman. I would no longer give anybody EVERY bit of me. I realized the only person who would receive 100% was the man shining down above me.That situation has truly shaped me. There were no excuses for his actions and although i began the painful process of healing my heart i promised myself he wouldn't put his hands on me again. I hope you find strength in me :)
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
How I Choose to Remember U.............
I can't help but imagine....where u are right now...or what your doing at this exact moment, but i can choose to imagine a beautiful you, mixed with a complicated us that ended in a detrimental me!! All those things now prove to be vacant as the timer on us became due.......but from this day forward i wanna choose to Remember a Beautiful U :)
Then
I can remember the day we met....it was as if time stopped in the middle of the walkway as i watched u pursue me. A woman with confidence i never gave it any thought...i just laughed at ur coy sense of humor and continued to walk. U followed....and i became more intrigued as the days grew longer i wasted no time in my lustful nature rapidly inviting u to tend to my needs. It was casual......yeah no big deal but that night changed my life and it continues still. My mind never became in sync with my heart as a matter of fact they grew further and further apart. Every night was kept with hope in my heart as u wrapped ur arms tightly around my body i became more enthralled.
Someone once told me to be cautious with Love......at one moment i was but i soon forgot. I began to slip into loving ways and blissful days. Ur wants now became my needs and no other words needed to be said. You see....i fooled u but u never fooled me. I knew ur heart and u knew my possibility which made our situation rather interesting. Vulnerability crept all over me as u stuck to the previous arrangement that was a guarantee. I guess i thought u would forget that first day and ur love would grow with me.....but i realized much sooner than later that i created a catastrophe. I fell in love with the person u are......and i know in my heart u fell in love with the person that I am. Our hearts both lied....b/c neither one of us could stand the obstacles foreseen to bare.
Heartbreak quickly rushed in my door. A hurt that engulfed my stomach, and captured my breath to store. What do i do with how i feel....u quickly replaced my affection with a new heart ready to give love...Was i not worthy enough? what was different about her? Or are u living a lie just as much as her....
Now
A cool rain drop fell on my nose and i smiled.....as breeze captured me in her breath i whirled. Like the feeling of warmth in your heart on a frigid day...i become engulfed! I can remember that day in Hilton Head as i rolled down my window i felt the wind kiss my hand...i closed my eyes briefly and took in that moment....I can remember my tears being wiped away and an embraced that stayed for days...as i remember these things i remember LOVE.
I sat one day and watched a beautiful tree sway.....its leaves stay put...and its limbs danced in the air! The body of the tree never wavered and the roots were far from eye site to their labor. But what was interesting about that tree was that i never needed to see its roots to know its heart and purpose. Its love for the limbs and leaves proved so evident in its fluidity. I smiled that day......because i remembered a beautiful u. A beautiful man that made me smile from ear to ear, that made me feel safe in his arms, that did his best to comfort me....and that deep in his heart had LOVE 4 ME!
U see just like that tree i don't have to see your roots to know your HEART....i know what i feel and i know whats in my HEART...see even if this letter never gets read or u never feel 4 me how i felt for u......It's ALL OK...BECAUSE REGARDLESS OF THE YEARS TO COME....THIS IS HOW I'LL CHOOSE TO REMEMBER YOU :)
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Then
I can remember the day we met....it was as if time stopped in the middle of the walkway as i watched u pursue me. A woman with confidence i never gave it any thought...i just laughed at ur coy sense of humor and continued to walk. U followed....and i became more intrigued as the days grew longer i wasted no time in my lustful nature rapidly inviting u to tend to my needs. It was casual......yeah no big deal but that night changed my life and it continues still. My mind never became in sync with my heart as a matter of fact they grew further and further apart. Every night was kept with hope in my heart as u wrapped ur arms tightly around my body i became more enthralled.
Someone once told me to be cautious with Love......at one moment i was but i soon forgot. I began to slip into loving ways and blissful days. Ur wants now became my needs and no other words needed to be said. You see....i fooled u but u never fooled me. I knew ur heart and u knew my possibility which made our situation rather interesting. Vulnerability crept all over me as u stuck to the previous arrangement that was a guarantee. I guess i thought u would forget that first day and ur love would grow with me.....but i realized much sooner than later that i created a catastrophe. I fell in love with the person u are......and i know in my heart u fell in love with the person that I am. Our hearts both lied....b/c neither one of us could stand the obstacles foreseen to bare.
Heartbreak quickly rushed in my door. A hurt that engulfed my stomach, and captured my breath to store. What do i do with how i feel....u quickly replaced my affection with a new heart ready to give love...Was i not worthy enough? what was different about her? Or are u living a lie just as much as her....
Now
A cool rain drop fell on my nose and i smiled.....as breeze captured me in her breath i whirled. Like the feeling of warmth in your heart on a frigid day...i become engulfed! I can remember that day in Hilton Head as i rolled down my window i felt the wind kiss my hand...i closed my eyes briefly and took in that moment....I can remember my tears being wiped away and an embraced that stayed for days...as i remember these things i remember LOVE.
I sat one day and watched a beautiful tree sway.....its leaves stay put...and its limbs danced in the air! The body of the tree never wavered and the roots were far from eye site to their labor. But what was interesting about that tree was that i never needed to see its roots to know its heart and purpose. Its love for the limbs and leaves proved so evident in its fluidity. I smiled that day......because i remembered a beautiful u. A beautiful man that made me smile from ear to ear, that made me feel safe in his arms, that did his best to comfort me....and that deep in his heart had LOVE 4 ME!
U see just like that tree i don't have to see your roots to know your HEART....i know what i feel and i know whats in my HEART...see even if this letter never gets read or u never feel 4 me how i felt for u......It's ALL OK...BECAUSE REGARDLESS OF THE YEARS TO COME....THIS IS HOW I'LL CHOOSE TO REMEMBER YOU :)
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Fighting Temptation
Between You and Me,
.......7:15p.m damn i'm late! I rush to the bathroom to finish applying my adored pink victoria's secret lipstick to my lips, i stop and look in the mirror as my heart beats faster than ever. Heat rushes over my body...shortly after a nervous sensation creeps down my spine! Our first encounter....races through my mind as my imagination runs wild! Its time to get into some trouble tonight!
An Impersonal Encounter
You were with a group of friends as i stared at you from across the room....trying to understand my initial attraction to you....but it was unsolved. Physically, you were confident and a subtle simpleness you carried while you walked was quite enticing. Not the bare eye orgasm type of guy.....you were different...I caught eye contact and quickly turned my head away...such a simple infatuation (in which i've had many) so i kept socializing....The event was just about to get started so i eagerly took my seat, excited to hear the panel discussion.................Then you spoke.............my eyes caught immediate attention as i realized you were apart of the panel offering an intellectual viewpoint, that physically stopped my breath. he spoke with eloquence the whole night....at times flashing a gorgeous smile that made me melt! I had to get out of there as my initial attraction drew to much to handle....i stepped in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror...." Malissa get it together.."
Come Here
After the panel discussion ended....i stayed after to socialize! I thought about playing a simple game of hard to get but at that point i wanted my way! My aggressive nature took full effect as i scanned the room, caught eye contact, flashed a smile and forwardly said "COME HERE"......he obliged and as he walked over i felt my aggression turn to mild flirtation....we quickly engaged in a short conversation that i cut very quickly and said, "no need for small talk.....TAKE MY NUMBER"..........i ended the encounter very coyly saying, "Maybe we can get coffee sometime"....i giggled and walked off.................. The countdown began! sure enough 10min after i pulled out of the parking lot to head home, he texted me..saying, "it was nice to meet you tonight...i would love for us to get to know each other better"....i thought to myself hmmmmmmmmm ;)
7:30p.m
After a phone call to meet up at this swanky midtown restaurant.....i immediately set the mood in my car! As Beyonce's "speechless" blared through my speakers my imagination ran rampant! The intense attraction i felt towards him, shocked me! As i'm no inexperienced woman here, i couldn't understand why my heart was beating so abruptly fast! A calmness filled my body as i parked! A vixen stepped out the car ready to attack! As i saw him walk up, my normal savage demeanor subsided and my nervousness showed! Once again i told myself to get it together as i never am the shy type! We conveniently sat angled in front of each other as he scanned me from head to toe!! In the middle of winter my nose began to sweat!...............WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? i played it cool and reverted to general topics of discussion...he steadily tried to find my weakness by softly touching my arm, then my hand, then..........i feel a softness touch my thigh...i looked down as he wasn't embarrassed in fact by then he gripped harder. Almost about to jump accross the table in eager sexual frustration.. I excused myself from the table and once again head to the bathroom!! At this point i'm convinced that the end of the night will end with a less reserved conclusion than our start!! My head pounds as i say to myself "YOU CAN'T".......i head back to the table as if nothing happened.....we continue to conversate....long pauses interupt our speech as we just become extremely infatuated with each other! By now time has completely passed us by.....unaffected by the concerns of tomorrow we continue to talk further enticing each other! After a couple of drinks....my judgement is sooo far gone!! CHECK PLEASE...........
11:45p.m
He helps me with my coat in preparation to walk me to my car.......i catch my balance now feeling the effects of those drinks and i smile at him!! We have nothing to talk about as we sat for hours exxhausting useless subjects for conversation purposes.....He takes my hand and guides me outside! It s FREEZING so he immediately puts his arm around my shoulder!! By now i'm excited because i'm half way to the car...and i'm acting good!!! I'm dodging temptation and just enjoying whats left of this casual night!! He then tells me i had a great time with you tonight!
11:55p.m
I open up my mouth to speak, halfway to my car and he steps in front of me.... grabs my waist and lifts me in the air!!!!!!!!!!Straddling him i'm in complete shock as he proceeds to kiss on my neck...and slowly grab my waist tighter!He assertively moves his hands from my waist to my A**....he whispers in my ear to wrap my legs around his back tighter! Still in shock my aggression kicks in as I attempt to take control ferociously and intensly kissing him back and grabbing him tighter, i tilt his head to the side slowly sucking his neck....by now my conscience is non-existent...he puts me down and repeatedly mumbles my name as if he's in shock that i reacted back....we reach my car and he softly grabs my coat, turns me around and pushes me down on the hood of the car (mind you we're in a residential neighborhood at MIDNIGHT).we continue kissing, grabbing, staring and licking each other..He takes complete control as i just stare at the stars and lay back!!!!My body is on fire at the shock of what's going on!!
12:30a.m
..............................................................................i regain consciousness and tell him to "GET IN THE CAR".................he then becomes nervous as i slowly approach his car....he gets out comes to my door, opens it...and extends me back in the car!! we once more become intense, this time he grips my waist and slowly starts removing my coat, he slowly moans in my ear and says "I WANT YOU"...........then i stop him...kiss him one more time...and I said, "CALL ME SOMETIME"............i then drove off!!!! omg!!!
Frustrated for a Logical Reason
As much as temptation was a factor of our whole encounter.......in that very moment i decided i wanted more than just a casual evening! Although i was intensly intrigued by his aggression i've been there done that! i realized i wanted substance and much more than a one night! I realized i wanted an everyday.....soooo i made the very DIFFICULT decision to LEAVE..!!!lol i'm still at shock with myself for that one People....i ask myself everyday how i walked away from that lol......................know your worth and know what you deserve...don't make it so easy ladies! i hope you find strength through my situation!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
.......7:15p.m damn i'm late! I rush to the bathroom to finish applying my adored pink victoria's secret lipstick to my lips, i stop and look in the mirror as my heart beats faster than ever. Heat rushes over my body...shortly after a nervous sensation creeps down my spine! Our first encounter....races through my mind as my imagination runs wild! Its time to get into some trouble tonight!
An Impersonal Encounter
You were with a group of friends as i stared at you from across the room....trying to understand my initial attraction to you....but it was unsolved. Physically, you were confident and a subtle simpleness you carried while you walked was quite enticing. Not the bare eye orgasm type of guy.....you were different...I caught eye contact and quickly turned my head away...such a simple infatuation (in which i've had many) so i kept socializing....The event was just about to get started so i eagerly took my seat, excited to hear the panel discussion.................Then you spoke.............my eyes caught immediate attention as i realized you were apart of the panel offering an intellectual viewpoint, that physically stopped my breath. he spoke with eloquence the whole night....at times flashing a gorgeous smile that made me melt! I had to get out of there as my initial attraction drew to much to handle....i stepped in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror...." Malissa get it together.."
Come Here
After the panel discussion ended....i stayed after to socialize! I thought about playing a simple game of hard to get but at that point i wanted my way! My aggressive nature took full effect as i scanned the room, caught eye contact, flashed a smile and forwardly said "COME HERE"......he obliged and as he walked over i felt my aggression turn to mild flirtation....we quickly engaged in a short conversation that i cut very quickly and said, "no need for small talk.....TAKE MY NUMBER"..........i ended the encounter very coyly saying, "Maybe we can get coffee sometime"....i giggled and walked off.................. The countdown began! sure enough 10min after i pulled out of the parking lot to head home, he texted me..saying, "it was nice to meet you tonight...i would love for us to get to know each other better"....i thought to myself hmmmmmmmmm ;)
7:30p.m
After a phone call to meet up at this swanky midtown restaurant.....i immediately set the mood in my car! As Beyonce's "speechless" blared through my speakers my imagination ran rampant! The intense attraction i felt towards him, shocked me! As i'm no inexperienced woman here, i couldn't understand why my heart was beating so abruptly fast! A calmness filled my body as i parked! A vixen stepped out the car ready to attack! As i saw him walk up, my normal savage demeanor subsided and my nervousness showed! Once again i told myself to get it together as i never am the shy type! We conveniently sat angled in front of each other as he scanned me from head to toe!! In the middle of winter my nose began to sweat!...............WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? i played it cool and reverted to general topics of discussion...he steadily tried to find my weakness by softly touching my arm, then my hand, then..........i feel a softness touch my thigh...i looked down as he wasn't embarrassed in fact by then he gripped harder. Almost about to jump accross the table in eager sexual frustration.. I excused myself from the table and once again head to the bathroom!! At this point i'm convinced that the end of the night will end with a less reserved conclusion than our start!! My head pounds as i say to myself "YOU CAN'T".......i head back to the table as if nothing happened.....we continue to conversate....long pauses interupt our speech as we just become extremely infatuated with each other! By now time has completely passed us by.....unaffected by the concerns of tomorrow we continue to talk further enticing each other! After a couple of drinks....my judgement is sooo far gone!! CHECK PLEASE...........
11:45p.m
He helps me with my coat in preparation to walk me to my car.......i catch my balance now feeling the effects of those drinks and i smile at him!! We have nothing to talk about as we sat for hours exxhausting useless subjects for conversation purposes.....He takes my hand and guides me outside! It s FREEZING so he immediately puts his arm around my shoulder!! By now i'm excited because i'm half way to the car...and i'm acting good!!! I'm dodging temptation and just enjoying whats left of this casual night!! He then tells me i had a great time with you tonight!
11:55p.m
I open up my mouth to speak, halfway to my car and he steps in front of me.... grabs my waist and lifts me in the air!!!!!!!!!!Straddling him i'm in complete shock as he proceeds to kiss on my neck...and slowly grab my waist tighter!He assertively moves his hands from my waist to my A**....he whispers in my ear to wrap my legs around his back tighter! Still in shock my aggression kicks in as I attempt to take control ferociously and intensly kissing him back and grabbing him tighter, i tilt his head to the side slowly sucking his neck....by now my conscience is non-existent...he puts me down and repeatedly mumbles my name as if he's in shock that i reacted back....we reach my car and he softly grabs my coat, turns me around and pushes me down on the hood of the car (mind you we're in a residential neighborhood at MIDNIGHT).we continue kissing, grabbing, staring and licking each other..He takes complete control as i just stare at the stars and lay back!!!!My body is on fire at the shock of what's going on!!
12:30a.m
..............................................................................i regain consciousness and tell him to "GET IN THE CAR".................he then becomes nervous as i slowly approach his car....he gets out comes to my door, opens it...and extends me back in the car!! we once more become intense, this time he grips my waist and slowly starts removing my coat, he slowly moans in my ear and says "I WANT YOU"...........then i stop him...kiss him one more time...and I said, "CALL ME SOMETIME"............i then drove off!!!! omg!!!
Frustrated for a Logical Reason
As much as temptation was a factor of our whole encounter.......in that very moment i decided i wanted more than just a casual evening! Although i was intensly intrigued by his aggression i've been there done that! i realized i wanted substance and much more than a one night! I realized i wanted an everyday.....soooo i made the very DIFFICULT decision to LEAVE..!!!lol i'm still at shock with myself for that one People....i ask myself everyday how i walked away from that lol......................know your worth and know what you deserve...don't make it so easy ladies! i hope you find strength through my situation!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I LEFT MY HEART......right there on the edge of his BED!
Between Me and You,
I just make it into town around 1am. I'm sitting in the room contemplating if i wanna know the truth. In my heart i knew the potential for hurt would be far less engraved now than then so i made the call to her; and SO IT BEGAN:
HER
She walks in the room nervously and sits down. I waste no time in displaying my discomfort for her being there. The cause was far greater than me picking a battle with her, so i began the questioning. I bring up his name and immediately her face changed. Part of me immediately wanted to insult, because my insecurities showed that she had something i wanted...or was it vice versa. She explained the length of time that they started dating and instantly my heart fell through the floor. My breathing stopped as i forced a conscious ear to continue to listen. Mentally i had checked out but emotionally i couldn't stop asking questions. She explained that he expressed to her how much he LOVED her and wanted to be in a relationship with her; but she wasn't ready....
Now let's Pause for a Second
Considering that we had been on and off for almost a 1 1/2 years my heart swelled. If this was the case and he LOVED her and wanted so badly to be with her i continuosly questioned my relevance. I'm miles away and we're in no way committed, but the honesty lacked in every portion of this situation. We went through so much together, and could be mistaken for soul mates. Never had i ever felt that comfortable around a man...and never had i laughed and joked so much with someone that they made me smile for days. Our chemistry was insane and whenever we would talk our hearts would melt. I expressed to him when i left that i wanted him to experience life and enjoy himself, considering our break. I took the un-selfish approach not thinking of my selfish wants of trying to make a long distance relationship work. If anything i wanted him to be happy. And all i asked was that he be honest with me. He would visit for a couple of days and for over a course of 6MONTHS i would travel down there and we would always hook up. If he was now IN LOVE whats my relevance for being there?
BACK TO HER
She expressed how she knew nothing about our previous relationship with each other. She explained how she heard that me and HIM talked but HE expressed that none of that occured. In the mist of her speaking my struggle to fight back tears of anger has left my shaded face BLOODSHOT in hue. I think of myself and my worth in the mist of her still talking and i instantly become ashamed. I instantly become jealous, enraged, hurt, vulnerable, sick but most of all DISAPPOINTED. She becomes hurt, and as i try to explain to her my side of the story and our relationship before, during and after she exist her head drops. I try to feel for her after i see that she's hurt but my heart becomes uncaring as i can only think of the time wasted IN LOVE with someone who's constant need for a security blanket has deeply hurt me. I can only think of the time wasted spent stupidly in love with someone sooo SELFISH. I can only think of how different my life would've been without him and how i sat at home for a straight month dealing with OUR regretful mistake while HE was out enjoying himself....
Paralyzed
I become stagnant immediately as i ask my self, "how could he not have a heart"...then i become insecure thinking, "how could he like her more than me"........then i become deranged thinking, "why am i not over there beating his A**" for thee hurt he casued me. I just become paralyzed and confused. Because if what she said is indeed true why couldn't he have just told me the truth.
ReGained Conciousness
........He never told me the truth due to his Selfishness. If he told me about HER, then i would've departed and let them BE. But because he wanted to still KEEP me for his security, he adopted her for the time being. But it made no sense because the words expressed to her were never expressed to me. the words love and relationships were words i never heard him speak to me, so was i adopted for the time being? and was everything we went through all in vain. WAS i the only one in love? And if he loved her so much then why would i need to be that constant one just on rebound.....IT hurt me to know that i was thought of as a back-up while she was the one he wanted to go the distance with. After she left, she explained that she was gonna confront him and i explained that i just wanted to be DONE.....I was emotionally exhausted and my confidence to pick a battle and fight was long gone. I became WEAK in a matter of 3seconds. I just wanted to lay there and CRY.....my confidence and self-esteem hit an all-time low as i tried to hold it together but i soon broke down......
HE CALLS
After she confronted him he decides to give me a call.........i take a long hard look at the phone deciding if i wanna answer it.....and as anger influences my mind i answer the phone YELLING. i repeatedly tell him to leave me alone and never talk to me again, as my voice crackles from rivers of tears showering down my face I HAVE LOST IT. I become vulnerable and i just ask WHY??.....he keeps tryna calm me down and now express how much he wants me in my life. He then tries to tell me how much he cares for me and tries to justify not telling me and her the truth......he continues to try and calm my FURRY as i yell to him to just LET ME GO.......by now my anger has subsided to pain and i realize i just FINALLY WANT TO BE DONE.....my heart once again softens towards him as he pleads me to stay in his life and he pleads to me how sorry he is.......I feel like the dumbest girl in the WORLD i feel like the lowest person...i lose my will to fight, and i try to gain understanding i try to see if he would express those same words of I LOVE YOU AND RELATIONSHIP to me. But he can't say those words, and he can't tell me his heart....maybe because i'm not in his HEART.....i finally get the courage to hang up and WALK AWAY....but the truth is as i got up to leave my HEART did not Leave with me...
~...................My heart stayed right there on the edge of his BED and i left it there. I'd much rather want my mental then my heart. My heart has gotten me in life changing situations with HIM and i no longer wanna plead, gamble, try to understand and make excuses for following my HEART....i'd be a liar if i said i didn't still love him but i'd be a fool to be stupid in love...So i left it there hoping that it never finds me again. I wanna spend some quality time with my mental getting to know me and my worth all over again. As for him...........i'll remain commentless and WISH HIM THE BEST........As for me i'm sooooo excited to see what my NEW FUTURE holds for me...........i hope you all find strength in me~
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
I just make it into town around 1am. I'm sitting in the room contemplating if i wanna know the truth. In my heart i knew the potential for hurt would be far less engraved now than then so i made the call to her; and SO IT BEGAN:
HER
She walks in the room nervously and sits down. I waste no time in displaying my discomfort for her being there. The cause was far greater than me picking a battle with her, so i began the questioning. I bring up his name and immediately her face changed. Part of me immediately wanted to insult, because my insecurities showed that she had something i wanted...or was it vice versa. She explained the length of time that they started dating and instantly my heart fell through the floor. My breathing stopped as i forced a conscious ear to continue to listen. Mentally i had checked out but emotionally i couldn't stop asking questions. She explained that he expressed to her how much he LOVED her and wanted to be in a relationship with her; but she wasn't ready....
Now let's Pause for a Second
Considering that we had been on and off for almost a 1 1/2 years my heart swelled. If this was the case and he LOVED her and wanted so badly to be with her i continuosly questioned my relevance. I'm miles away and we're in no way committed, but the honesty lacked in every portion of this situation. We went through so much together, and could be mistaken for soul mates. Never had i ever felt that comfortable around a man...and never had i laughed and joked so much with someone that they made me smile for days. Our chemistry was insane and whenever we would talk our hearts would melt. I expressed to him when i left that i wanted him to experience life and enjoy himself, considering our break. I took the un-selfish approach not thinking of my selfish wants of trying to make a long distance relationship work. If anything i wanted him to be happy. And all i asked was that he be honest with me. He would visit for a couple of days and for over a course of 6MONTHS i would travel down there and we would always hook up. If he was now IN LOVE whats my relevance for being there?
BACK TO HER
She expressed how she knew nothing about our previous relationship with each other. She explained how she heard that me and HIM talked but HE expressed that none of that occured. In the mist of her speaking my struggle to fight back tears of anger has left my shaded face BLOODSHOT in hue. I think of myself and my worth in the mist of her still talking and i instantly become ashamed. I instantly become jealous, enraged, hurt, vulnerable, sick but most of all DISAPPOINTED. She becomes hurt, and as i try to explain to her my side of the story and our relationship before, during and after she exist her head drops. I try to feel for her after i see that she's hurt but my heart becomes uncaring as i can only think of the time wasted IN LOVE with someone who's constant need for a security blanket has deeply hurt me. I can only think of the time wasted spent stupidly in love with someone sooo SELFISH. I can only think of how different my life would've been without him and how i sat at home for a straight month dealing with OUR regretful mistake while HE was out enjoying himself....
Paralyzed
I become stagnant immediately as i ask my self, "how could he not have a heart"...then i become insecure thinking, "how could he like her more than me"........then i become deranged thinking, "why am i not over there beating his A**" for thee hurt he casued me. I just become paralyzed and confused. Because if what she said is indeed true why couldn't he have just told me the truth.
ReGained Conciousness
........He never told me the truth due to his Selfishness. If he told me about HER, then i would've departed and let them BE. But because he wanted to still KEEP me for his security, he adopted her for the time being. But it made no sense because the words expressed to her were never expressed to me. the words love and relationships were words i never heard him speak to me, so was i adopted for the time being? and was everything we went through all in vain. WAS i the only one in love? And if he loved her so much then why would i need to be that constant one just on rebound.....IT hurt me to know that i was thought of as a back-up while she was the one he wanted to go the distance with. After she left, she explained that she was gonna confront him and i explained that i just wanted to be DONE.....I was emotionally exhausted and my confidence to pick a battle and fight was long gone. I became WEAK in a matter of 3seconds. I just wanted to lay there and CRY.....my confidence and self-esteem hit an all-time low as i tried to hold it together but i soon broke down......
HE CALLS
After she confronted him he decides to give me a call.........i take a long hard look at the phone deciding if i wanna answer it.....and as anger influences my mind i answer the phone YELLING. i repeatedly tell him to leave me alone and never talk to me again, as my voice crackles from rivers of tears showering down my face I HAVE LOST IT. I become vulnerable and i just ask WHY??.....he keeps tryna calm me down and now express how much he wants me in my life. He then tries to tell me how much he cares for me and tries to justify not telling me and her the truth......he continues to try and calm my FURRY as i yell to him to just LET ME GO.......by now my anger has subsided to pain and i realize i just FINALLY WANT TO BE DONE.....my heart once again softens towards him as he pleads me to stay in his life and he pleads to me how sorry he is.......I feel like the dumbest girl in the WORLD i feel like the lowest person...i lose my will to fight, and i try to gain understanding i try to see if he would express those same words of I LOVE YOU AND RELATIONSHIP to me. But he can't say those words, and he can't tell me his heart....maybe because i'm not in his HEART.....i finally get the courage to hang up and WALK AWAY....but the truth is as i got up to leave my HEART did not Leave with me...
~...................My heart stayed right there on the edge of his BED and i left it there. I'd much rather want my mental then my heart. My heart has gotten me in life changing situations with HIM and i no longer wanna plead, gamble, try to understand and make excuses for following my HEART....i'd be a liar if i said i didn't still love him but i'd be a fool to be stupid in love...So i left it there hoping that it never finds me again. I wanna spend some quality time with my mental getting to know me and my worth all over again. As for him...........i'll remain commentless and WISH HIM THE BEST........As for me i'm sooooo excited to see what my NEW FUTURE holds for me...........i hope you all find strength in me~
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Hardest Thing to Do was SAY NOTHING and WALK AWAY...
Between Me and You,
So it's late evening, i'm frustrated as wreckless thoughts enter my mind. I open up my phone to text, my anger pours through my fingertips as i type ferociously; intensly enuciating my heart! Intricately speaking what's on my soul, It goes as follows,
My imagination ran wild today as i pictured a perfect you and me.....we laughed and we joked. We shared our lives together and sat and talked about our futures. Both of us envisioned each other in our destiny's so we just laid there. As fiction crept in to my mind i fought it.....focusing on a realistic utopia of our beings. You loved me just as much as i loved you if not more than me loving you; it more than exceeded my dreams....I mean i ramble on and on but you know me the best. Even my imperfections shine so fluidly as a VVS that you see right through the cracks and honor my BEST....my potential enlightens you and your passion inspires me....we work together as our partnership grows magnitudes over any dynasty...WE MATCH! you make me have joy not temporary happiness and i feel warmth inside as you never criticize my sensitivity that makes me melt with pride. I lay there and look around as fiction turned to REALITY..................................
Truth
....................................and i realize, there was never a perfect you and me. In fact i hurt more than i'm happy and my pain has become so deep rooted it hinders me physically. The truth is you never loved me! And although i've played with the idea that you might just care for me, my heart stops beating realisticly as my fiction was never believable enough to pass as truth. I gave all of me while you gave the bare minimum of you. Everytime i'm ready to leave i tell you so you can try to convince me of my make believe truth. You never convince me to stay in fact you tell me i'm free to leave. I hurt and you see my weakness so you send a short text never apologizing but saying you MISS ME.......you MISS ME????? WHY??? and you always answer that i'm being difficult. I explain my hurt and instead of replying from your heart you say......"I MEAN MALISSA WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY OR DO" i want you to tell me your heart.....and if i'm not apart of that speech i want you to have the courage to tell me to depart. I want you to acknowledge my pain and not use me to come see you when you wanna feel a certain type of way...I want you to leave me alone because i've gotten fed up with your inconsistency. I want you to truthfully leave my life never to return because of what you've done to me...........
Wait
...................you're guilty of making me HATE MYSELF.........because if i loved me i would've realized a long time ago that i never needed someone who only LIKED ME to complete me......I would've realized a long time ago that i don't want someone that i have to threaten to leave to finally show some affection towards me....I would've realized that all the money, gas, time and emotions spent giving myself materialistically only abused ME and only ME.....and i would've realized that i never needed to tell you i'm leaving just so you could PITY me.........
Think about it
FINALLY..............my anger grew increasingly as i looked at the screen of exceeded number of characters written in one text! A single tear drew down my face, as my finger graced towards the send button. No proof reading was aloud.........because as my heart drew closer to press SEND........................i took one last look at the screen.........................AND I PRESSED DELETE!!!!!!!!
Reality
~THE HARDEST THING TO DO IS TO BE QUIET, SAY NOTHING AND WALK AWAY.....I'M DONE EXPRESSING HOW I FEEL, I'M DONE BEGGING YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME AND HEAR ME.....BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY I'M DONE NOT CARING ABOUT ME.....I WON'T TREAT YOU HOW YOU TREATED ME....I WON'T SAY HURTFUL THINGS OR ALLOW YOU TO UPSET ME...I'LL JUST SIMPLY BE HUMBLE, SAY NOTHING AND WALK AWAY.....ladies and gentlemen i hope through my situation you can find strength through me!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
So it's late evening, i'm frustrated as wreckless thoughts enter my mind. I open up my phone to text, my anger pours through my fingertips as i type ferociously; intensly enuciating my heart! Intricately speaking what's on my soul, It goes as follows,
My imagination ran wild today as i pictured a perfect you and me.....we laughed and we joked. We shared our lives together and sat and talked about our futures. Both of us envisioned each other in our destiny's so we just laid there. As fiction crept in to my mind i fought it.....focusing on a realistic utopia of our beings. You loved me just as much as i loved you if not more than me loving you; it more than exceeded my dreams....I mean i ramble on and on but you know me the best. Even my imperfections shine so fluidly as a VVS that you see right through the cracks and honor my BEST....my potential enlightens you and your passion inspires me....we work together as our partnership grows magnitudes over any dynasty...WE MATCH! you make me have joy not temporary happiness and i feel warmth inside as you never criticize my sensitivity that makes me melt with pride. I lay there and look around as fiction turned to REALITY..................................
Truth
....................................and i realize, there was never a perfect you and me. In fact i hurt more than i'm happy and my pain has become so deep rooted it hinders me physically. The truth is you never loved me! And although i've played with the idea that you might just care for me, my heart stops beating realisticly as my fiction was never believable enough to pass as truth. I gave all of me while you gave the bare minimum of you. Everytime i'm ready to leave i tell you so you can try to convince me of my make believe truth. You never convince me to stay in fact you tell me i'm free to leave. I hurt and you see my weakness so you send a short text never apologizing but saying you MISS ME.......you MISS ME????? WHY??? and you always answer that i'm being difficult. I explain my hurt and instead of replying from your heart you say......"I MEAN MALISSA WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY OR DO" i want you to tell me your heart.....and if i'm not apart of that speech i want you to have the courage to tell me to depart. I want you to acknowledge my pain and not use me to come see you when you wanna feel a certain type of way...I want you to leave me alone because i've gotten fed up with your inconsistency. I want you to truthfully leave my life never to return because of what you've done to me...........
Wait
...................you're guilty of making me HATE MYSELF.........because if i loved me i would've realized a long time ago that i never needed someone who only LIKED ME to complete me......I would've realized a long time ago that i don't want someone that i have to threaten to leave to finally show some affection towards me....I would've realized that all the money, gas, time and emotions spent giving myself materialistically only abused ME and only ME.....and i would've realized that i never needed to tell you i'm leaving just so you could PITY me.........
Think about it
FINALLY..............my anger grew increasingly as i looked at the screen of exceeded number of characters written in one text! A single tear drew down my face, as my finger graced towards the send button. No proof reading was aloud.........because as my heart drew closer to press SEND........................i took one last look at the screen.........................AND I PRESSED DELETE!!!!!!!!
Reality
~THE HARDEST THING TO DO IS TO BE QUIET, SAY NOTHING AND WALK AWAY.....I'M DONE EXPRESSING HOW I FEEL, I'M DONE BEGGING YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME AND HEAR ME.....BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY I'M DONE NOT CARING ABOUT ME.....I WON'T TREAT YOU HOW YOU TREATED ME....I WON'T SAY HURTFUL THINGS OR ALLOW YOU TO UPSET ME...I'LL JUST SIMPLY BE HUMBLE, SAY NOTHING AND WALK AWAY.....ladies and gentlemen i hope through my situation you can find strength through me!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Poetic Intimate #1: "A Living Soul"
Between Me and You,
To have known how i felt about you, would surely extract a burst of emotions
A year of my time spent loving someone with so much devotion
Though i never told you how i truly felt because you wouldn't allow it
Loving someone in chains has proven my heart so tragic
You told me from the start what it was
And i was down for whatever just because
Then my heart grew fonder and you never pushed me away
You kept on sexually loving me and pushing your heart away
Deceit, Lies, Persuasion and Lust were the story of our lives
I loved and you liked, as you could easily say goodbye
A living soul came and left for you but it left a scar with me
Now your negligence of my heart and feelings just hurts me
I spend nights crying and sulking
But my days are worse,
As i envision your face, every moment and how happy i thought we were
A lover and a friend hell i thought i struck gold
But i recieved less as your heart grew even more cold
I'm stuck with not even you to blame
I blame myself for all my hurt and grievious pain
These weeks without contact have proven the hardest
As I go on day by day and see how much you don't care, proves my heart so honest
How could i be that easy to be forgotten as i thought i was a jewel
To never be enough for you makes me look like a damn fool
I pour my insecurites and heartache out on this page
Because this is where i wanna leave you, never to return again
I forgive myself and i forgive you
But this scar you left will never be removed
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Letting Go....Not!
Between Me and You,
Silence feels the room as i try to search for understanding...this is the second time i've called you in a row, as my body heats up with anger. I'M SO ANGRY!!!! i sit and stare out the window, i get on my knees and weep....i feel below zero with my emotion to say F it and Cheat!
The Beginning
as i met him on a late summer night....the previous year we had been flirting but nothing to heavy.. I was on an emotional independence from it all so i felt i was strong enough to give you my time. We started hanging out, sexual endeavors became first on our plate then a friendship/relationship drove emotions into My heart. I continued to sexually explore with others considering our casual agreement to just be friends. But then you started giving more time and more hugs and my casual endeavors couldn't cure my Heart from beating so fast by just hearing your name. They meant nothing to me...no matter how many nights i spent i still drew your name on my heart regardless of what we both said each other meant. We went on dates soon becoming exclusive and our emotions dug heavily into each others eyes as each day we yearned to meet each other. You showed me care and love although u never spoke it.
My Assumption
Our agreement to be casual mentally was broken as my everyday became apart of your day to day! Relationship tendencies, textual consistency, and mental efficiency i knew you were the one. Still unofficial i played with the game thinking i could handle the effects. I assumed he was as hopeless as i was and that no matter what we would still try to make this work. My assumption kept me, because anytime i came close to expressing my feelings my lips drew shut and my eyes closed with fear. Your truth wasn't my truth and as long as our truth involved me and you words weren't meant to be spoken.
Mental vs. Emotional
Logic left a couple months back as we made a toxic decision that affected both our lives. One decision i felt brought us closer in the moment. My assumption still held fast as you were there for me every step of the way. Not knowing you were doing what you were supposed to do not just because you wanted to my heart blew up with adoration for your heart. The end was drawing near...unafraid of my quest on to adulthood and your quest of stagnant being....i became extremely vulnerable! My mental told me to get up and run as fast as i could but my emotional left me paralyzed in your arms as i continued to lay there!
Signs
My conscience grew stronger as i felt you drift away...you were tryna please them then her, then they, that you for got about we...But wait let me look at the signs....from the start you kept your promise as i waivered on mine, from the start you only did what i allowed you to do which was escape with my heart and from the start you never expressed your Love or a willingness to love as my assumptions filled those blanks. And from the start you never told me that i wouldn't see those blatant SIGNS on your neck! Now i decided to run......and i ran fast! He never chased me, he only called! after 5seconds those calls stopped and it turned to.........................................Silence..
The So Called End
Who was i running from........him or myself!! As i got away from him i looked at myself in the mirror with tears exploding down my face! no matter where i escaped to this staggering hurt and pity filled my body. A weakness came over my SOUL as reality hit in maybe HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU......so i tried to fill that void with another one of "YOU".......he showed me care and compassion but i JUST WASN'T THAT INTO HIM.....why treat someone how i was treated in order to put a bandaid on my own feelings. I didn't wanna take the SELFISH approach....so i went through a stage of COLD TURKEY!!! it lasted for..........a couple of months!
Over and Over Again
Then i saw you.................feeling liberated and once again strong enough to talk to you i built a wall!! you broke it down with one sentence you've never said , "I APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE...AND TO SAY THE LEAST I MISS YOU"...my heart melted! (i know what your thinking weak lol) the proper thing to do would have been, to be able to unbitterly say thank you, i wish you the best and walk away...But i became flesh in a matter of 2sec!
My conclusion
I leave this open ended to say as humans we have situations we battle with inside ourselves from day to day. We have insecurities that allow others to come in and treat us any kind of way. Love Yourself because you're the only one responsible for you. Leaving your heart in someone else's hands regardless of emotions is dangerous. From the start i had an intuition but i allowed a casual situation to recieve all of me! When u make a decision stick to it! Don't waiver because of emotions. When someone states the obvious to you don't assume that your actions can change them, or because yall went through a personal situation together that it would bring yall emotionally closer. Always do what's best for you! when in doubt look at the situation from a 3rd person's P.O.V and ask yourself is this how you want to be treated or do you deserve better! Never Settle for anything less than what you deserve take every situation thats emotionally a burden and set your goals on a day to day basis......................
With all that being said TODAY i decide to be done with this situation....TODAY i'm letting go!! I hope you all find strength in my situation..
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Silence feels the room as i try to search for understanding...this is the second time i've called you in a row, as my body heats up with anger. I'M SO ANGRY!!!! i sit and stare out the window, i get on my knees and weep....i feel below zero with my emotion to say F it and Cheat!
The Beginning
as i met him on a late summer night....the previous year we had been flirting but nothing to heavy.. I was on an emotional independence from it all so i felt i was strong enough to give you my time. We started hanging out, sexual endeavors became first on our plate then a friendship/relationship drove emotions into My heart. I continued to sexually explore with others considering our casual agreement to just be friends. But then you started giving more time and more hugs and my casual endeavors couldn't cure my Heart from beating so fast by just hearing your name. They meant nothing to me...no matter how many nights i spent i still drew your name on my heart regardless of what we both said each other meant. We went on dates soon becoming exclusive and our emotions dug heavily into each others eyes as each day we yearned to meet each other. You showed me care and love although u never spoke it.
My Assumption
Our agreement to be casual mentally was broken as my everyday became apart of your day to day! Relationship tendencies, textual consistency, and mental efficiency i knew you were the one. Still unofficial i played with the game thinking i could handle the effects. I assumed he was as hopeless as i was and that no matter what we would still try to make this work. My assumption kept me, because anytime i came close to expressing my feelings my lips drew shut and my eyes closed with fear. Your truth wasn't my truth and as long as our truth involved me and you words weren't meant to be spoken.
Mental vs. Emotional
Logic left a couple months back as we made a toxic decision that affected both our lives. One decision i felt brought us closer in the moment. My assumption still held fast as you were there for me every step of the way. Not knowing you were doing what you were supposed to do not just because you wanted to my heart blew up with adoration for your heart. The end was drawing near...unafraid of my quest on to adulthood and your quest of stagnant being....i became extremely vulnerable! My mental told me to get up and run as fast as i could but my emotional left me paralyzed in your arms as i continued to lay there!
Signs
My conscience grew stronger as i felt you drift away...you were tryna please them then her, then they, that you for got about we...But wait let me look at the signs....from the start you kept your promise as i waivered on mine, from the start you only did what i allowed you to do which was escape with my heart and from the start you never expressed your Love or a willingness to love as my assumptions filled those blanks. And from the start you never told me that i wouldn't see those blatant SIGNS on your neck! Now i decided to run......and i ran fast! He never chased me, he only called! after 5seconds those calls stopped and it turned to.........................................Silence..
The So Called End
Who was i running from........him or myself!! As i got away from him i looked at myself in the mirror with tears exploding down my face! no matter where i escaped to this staggering hurt and pity filled my body. A weakness came over my SOUL as reality hit in maybe HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU......so i tried to fill that void with another one of "YOU".......he showed me care and compassion but i JUST WASN'T THAT INTO HIM.....why treat someone how i was treated in order to put a bandaid on my own feelings. I didn't wanna take the SELFISH approach....so i went through a stage of COLD TURKEY!!! it lasted for..........a couple of months!
Over and Over Again
Then i saw you.................feeling liberated and once again strong enough to talk to you i built a wall!! you broke it down with one sentence you've never said , "I APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE...AND TO SAY THE LEAST I MISS YOU"...my heart melted! (i know what your thinking weak lol) the proper thing to do would have been, to be able to unbitterly say thank you, i wish you the best and walk away...But i became flesh in a matter of 2sec!
My conclusion
I leave this open ended to say as humans we have situations we battle with inside ourselves from day to day. We have insecurities that allow others to come in and treat us any kind of way. Love Yourself because you're the only one responsible for you. Leaving your heart in someone else's hands regardless of emotions is dangerous. From the start i had an intuition but i allowed a casual situation to recieve all of me! When u make a decision stick to it! Don't waiver because of emotions. When someone states the obvious to you don't assume that your actions can change them, or because yall went through a personal situation together that it would bring yall emotionally closer. Always do what's best for you! when in doubt look at the situation from a 3rd person's P.O.V and ask yourself is this how you want to be treated or do you deserve better! Never Settle for anything less than what you deserve take every situation thats emotionally a burden and set your goals on a day to day basis......................
With all that being said TODAY i decide to be done with this situation....TODAY i'm letting go!! I hope you all find strength in my situation..
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Telling Me What i Wanna Hear
Between Me and You,
IMA NEED YOU TO SAY SOMETHING BABY(drizzy)......
............but ummmm that doesn't mean ANYTHING??!!! When u approach me in efforts of getting to know me....smoothly your first question is "WHAT KIND OF GUYS DO U LIKE"...now normally i would answer that question accordingly:
~Dark
~Short-Haircut (i'm at times meticulous)
~Goal Oriented
~Cultured
~CONSISTENT
~Not over 300 lbs lmao (SHALLOW i know)
~Chivalrous
~Funny
~Intelligent
......and the list can go on!!! So with all that being said u in RETURN become my PROTOTYPE!!! You become the man i described and you so fittingly "TELL ME WHAT I WANNA HEAR"....you explain to me that your serious about life and a future with me, you Chivalrously(idk if that's a word) woooo me! You start cracking JOKES as a matter of fact you become a comedian, you court me enough to have a dire passion to wanna SEE YOU a.s.a.p....
Now what's wrong with this picture as you continuously seduce my mind...Logic left along time ago when your voice deepened on the phone and your whispered about how i was sooo FINE. You then explained your qualities of a perfect woman that you desire...and fittingly that PROTOTYPE described ME... so i'm sitting on the phone in Awww telling all my girl friends via TEXT how important you are to me..YET we still haven't went on one FIRST DATE...
The First Date
Thinking it would be at a nice jazz club or even a park......we end up at your crib! I overlook logic of the entire situation b/c i was told what i wanted to hear...All i knew was that i wanted to see you and what's more better than a place thats more conveniant FOR YOU..... I overlook morals and standards b/c i'm sure that you wanna be in a relationship with me!! AFTER ALL THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD ME... so physicality becomes apart of the agenda and i indulge in HEART first...
When its Over
I head home as silence feels my car....my phone doesn't ring it vibrates w/a TEXT explaining the difficulty of your HEART...you've realized that i'm no longer the PROTOTYPE of what you want....and my ears go deaf as they search to be told something familiar that once whispered I AM WHAT HE WANTS....but yet you now are SILENT as i yearn for you to TELL ME WHAT I WANNA HEAR....now my conscious seeps in as the TRUTH becomes more and more hurtful and hard to bare. I decide i wanna hate you... but LADIES IT WAS MY OWN INSECURITIES NOT HIS.... wanting to be told what I WANTED TO HEAR...
Rewind to the Begininning of an END
As soon as he asked me "WHAT KIND OF GUYS I LIKE" i should've walked away... if your interested in getting to know me, my TYPE shouldn't matter to you nor anyone else. Words are not to get caught up on..... anyone can SAY SOMETHING BABY, but few can SHOW YOU HOW THEY FEEL....a good man doesn't need to verbalize his Great qualities and features..he stands confident in himself and follows through with his actions. He shouldn't feel comfortable inviting you to his crib for a first date. KNOW YOUR WORTH LADIES.... in the words of my homegirl BEYONCE, "there's just certain things as women we shouldn't deal with"...At the end of that situation i placed the blame on MYSELF b/c i should've wanted better for me.....Intimately speaking i hope you find strength in me. This goes vice a versa for FELLAS as well. Know you worth!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
IMA NEED YOU TO SAY SOMETHING BABY(drizzy)......
............but ummmm that doesn't mean ANYTHING??!!! When u approach me in efforts of getting to know me....smoothly your first question is "WHAT KIND OF GUYS DO U LIKE"...now normally i would answer that question accordingly:
~Dark
~Short-Haircut (i'm at times meticulous)
~Goal Oriented
~Cultured
~CONSISTENT
~Not over 300 lbs lmao (SHALLOW i know)
~Chivalrous
~Funny
~Intelligent
......and the list can go on!!! So with all that being said u in RETURN become my PROTOTYPE!!! You become the man i described and you so fittingly "TELL ME WHAT I WANNA HEAR"....you explain to me that your serious about life and a future with me, you Chivalrously(idk if that's a word) woooo me! You start cracking JOKES as a matter of fact you become a comedian, you court me enough to have a dire passion to wanna SEE YOU a.s.a.p....
Now what's wrong with this picture as you continuously seduce my mind...Logic left along time ago when your voice deepened on the phone and your whispered about how i was sooo FINE. You then explained your qualities of a perfect woman that you desire...and fittingly that PROTOTYPE described ME... so i'm sitting on the phone in Awww telling all my girl friends via TEXT how important you are to me..YET we still haven't went on one FIRST DATE...
The First Date
Thinking it would be at a nice jazz club or even a park......we end up at your crib! I overlook logic of the entire situation b/c i was told what i wanted to hear...All i knew was that i wanted to see you and what's more better than a place thats more conveniant FOR YOU..... I overlook morals and standards b/c i'm sure that you wanna be in a relationship with me!! AFTER ALL THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD ME... so physicality becomes apart of the agenda and i indulge in HEART first...
When its Over
I head home as silence feels my car....my phone doesn't ring it vibrates w/a TEXT explaining the difficulty of your HEART...you've realized that i'm no longer the PROTOTYPE of what you want....and my ears go deaf as they search to be told something familiar that once whispered I AM WHAT HE WANTS....but yet you now are SILENT as i yearn for you to TELL ME WHAT I WANNA HEAR....now my conscious seeps in as the TRUTH becomes more and more hurtful and hard to bare. I decide i wanna hate you... but LADIES IT WAS MY OWN INSECURITIES NOT HIS.... wanting to be told what I WANTED TO HEAR...
Rewind to the Begininning of an END
As soon as he asked me "WHAT KIND OF GUYS I LIKE" i should've walked away... if your interested in getting to know me, my TYPE shouldn't matter to you nor anyone else. Words are not to get caught up on..... anyone can SAY SOMETHING BABY, but few can SHOW YOU HOW THEY FEEL....a good man doesn't need to verbalize his Great qualities and features..he stands confident in himself and follows through with his actions. He shouldn't feel comfortable inviting you to his crib for a first date. KNOW YOUR WORTH LADIES.... in the words of my homegirl BEYONCE, "there's just certain things as women we shouldn't deal with"...At the end of that situation i placed the blame on MYSELF b/c i should've wanted better for me.....Intimately speaking i hope you find strength in me. This goes vice a versa for FELLAS as well. Know you worth!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Monday, January 4, 2010
Passionate Vocals: KARINA PASIAN "SLOW MOTION"
Between me and you,
This song is absolutely beautiful...the simplicity of the lyrics touch me!! everyone listen to this SONG:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ad0cvNJdB2M
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
This song is absolutely beautiful...the simplicity of the lyrics touch me!! everyone listen to this SONG:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ad0cvNJdB2M
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
An Empty Facade
Between Me and You
I wanna love....i would be lying if i kept putting this front up. Truthfully at times i hurt. Because i don't see in me what you see! I know in my mind that i have so much to give. To be honest i give way too much. This strong and well put together facade has masked my hurt but yet my insecurites seep through. I look around and hate my envy i feel towards some who's grass seems much greener. Thinking logically i know its not but because my HEART bleeds optimism i fall for the head over heels false sense of physical momentary satisfaction... YALL I FALL HARD! everytime...i'm sad to say there's no in between in me!
My facade is a lie so let me tell yall the honest me:
~I'm extremely EMOTIONAL
~At times VERY sensitive
~My eyes water when i feel insecure
~I choose MEDIOCRE men because i feel empowered while with them
~I'm afraid of my match
~I've always paid on a date
~I've never truly been loved
~I'm goofy
~I'm clumsy
~I wear mix-matched pajamas
~I love romantic movies
~I hatebeing vulnerable
~I cheat not b/c i want to but because i'm always insecure in the relationship
~I don't believe that someone could TRULY love me as much as i love them
My facade supersedes FALSE... alot of these qualities i portray deep in my heart! i blame none of my insecurites on others...because i've had the chance to decide i want better with every encounter of my life! I'm not looking for a man to take on my insecurities and problems..they're things that i have worked on and still continue to work on til this day. I simply want "HIM" to accept me as i am...
KARINA PASIAN "SLOW MOTION", "why can't i love you in slow motion, take my time, take away the pressure, off my mind....really get to know you and REWIND...i wanna love you in slow motion, why can't i"..
I no longer want to hide who i am...nor pretend to not wanna call you when i do. nor pretend to not wanna hold you when i do...nor to pretend to not wanna spend all day with you when i do...i want to LOSE this facade with someone who will love "EVERY INCH, EVERY CURVE, AND EVERY FRECKLE of MY SKIN"....I'm tired of mediocracy so today i choose to want more for myself....and Kill this EMPTY FACADE.
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
I wanna love....i would be lying if i kept putting this front up. Truthfully at times i hurt. Because i don't see in me what you see! I know in my mind that i have so much to give. To be honest i give way too much. This strong and well put together facade has masked my hurt but yet my insecurites seep through. I look around and hate my envy i feel towards some who's grass seems much greener. Thinking logically i know its not but because my HEART bleeds optimism i fall for the head over heels false sense of physical momentary satisfaction... YALL I FALL HARD! everytime...i'm sad to say there's no in between in me!
My facade is a lie so let me tell yall the honest me:
~I'm extremely EMOTIONAL
~At times VERY sensitive
~My eyes water when i feel insecure
~I choose MEDIOCRE men because i feel empowered while with them
~I'm afraid of my match
~I've always paid on a date
~I've never truly been loved
~I'm goofy
~I'm clumsy
~I wear mix-matched pajamas
~I love romantic movies
~I hatebeing vulnerable
~I cheat not b/c i want to but because i'm always insecure in the relationship
~I don't believe that someone could TRULY love me as much as i love them
My facade supersedes FALSE... alot of these qualities i portray deep in my heart! i blame none of my insecurites on others...because i've had the chance to decide i want better with every encounter of my life! I'm not looking for a man to take on my insecurities and problems..they're things that i have worked on and still continue to work on til this day. I simply want "HIM" to accept me as i am...
KARINA PASIAN "SLOW MOTION", "why can't i love you in slow motion, take my time, take away the pressure, off my mind....really get to know you and REWIND...i wanna love you in slow motion, why can't i"..
I no longer want to hide who i am...nor pretend to not wanna call you when i do. nor pretend to not wanna hold you when i do...nor to pretend to not wanna spend all day with you when i do...i want to LOSE this facade with someone who will love "EVERY INCH, EVERY CURVE, AND EVERY FRECKLE of MY SKIN"....I'm tired of mediocracy so today i choose to want more for myself....and Kill this EMPTY FACADE.
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
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