Thursday, May 16, 2013
My own dirty laundry......
Between you and me.......
One day I will tell the whole story about about you. But today I will tell the whole story about me.
Phase 1:
Anger enrages me as I write. Who am I mad at? Why am I so disappointed? A tear falls down from my cheek. I fall to my knees. The bathroom floor is cold. I ball up like a little child. I'm weak and vulnerable. Noone understands my pain, every friend says be strong. All I hear is minimalization saying , " Malissa it was only just a break up". Fuck you and your thoughts, better yet Malissa fuck your heart. Suck it up. I cry profusely. I'm not victim. It's my dirty laundry that I lay a prisoner to. I'm no saint you understand. My extremes far exceed my rationality. You see love is a different kinda monster. The older you get the harder the concept is to grasp further. I thought I knew it all. Once again brought down to my most humblest place on my knees asking The Lord for mercy. See this man broke every bit of me. He killed every hope in me. Desire dwindles from a cracked door lit in an empty room with no inhabitants. I don't believe in it. I've been tricked many times but you see the way this man broke me is nothing short of a disaster not even the most faith could disbelieve. My core is struck. My heart bruised. My reality dark and my own sins are what's to blame. See I'm no victim.
My dirty laundry stinks. It all started with me. My work drives my desires to be this woman I always wanted to be. Strong and successful. Powerful with an ideal world where everyone would like me. It was a beautiful place where my fantasies were easily portrayed. Success was a lie, happiness was situational and my end result was the goal of love. It's everything we dream for! The older you become the more answers to life you realize you have. I don't need no damn advice, this happened because it was meant to be. As I stand in the mirror I see a liar, an insecure woman, weak, unstable, desperate and without love. This is who I am. This is the baggage of laundry I carry along with me. But I put on that lip stick. I curl my hair and buy fancy clothes. I add a beautiful scent of perfect which makes this shit I'm in appear like gold. They all end up smelling it and then Im figured out. My lies pile up so much I forget to take this nasty ass laundry out. Never asked anyone to accept it. How unfair of me? I'd rather take their own shit than to deal with what's inside of me. Shit happened for a reason? Yea well noone has the damn answer? I'm left with his shit and my shit as I deal with the pain here after. God told me never to ever move back from what I delivered you from. I broke every promise to myself desperate just to have love. He mentioned: love, marriage, family, loyalty, compassion and most of all respect. He promised to stay here and work it out with me until I was better. Even he didn't want my dirty ass laundry. He broke every promise he ever made to me. Still my own heart wreaks. I ain't shit and he ain't either. I believed his bullshit and he had a master endeavor. It's my own damn laundry and one day I'll wash this shit. But today I'll sit my ass on this bathroom floor and wrap as I wrote this shit.
Yesterday I formulated a text that was so ugly. It showed me how much filth is really in my dirty laundry. It ain't you that I'm mad at. Better yet my own self that believed in all your baggage. See we both carried our own shit. The difference is I was real and you were fake about your list. You surprised me how well you knew exactly what to say. I've never been played in that type of way. Said we would be together forever, but you never mentioned your long list and shit stains, coil and pure filth that u carried along with. You offered advice and listened intently as I revealed each piece. It was amazing to watch you be so scripted and rehearsed while trying to fix me. A con artist. You weren't to blame. I blame myself for not recognizing that filth smell I knew all to well. One day I'll tell the full story about you. But today I will tell the whole story about me. Phase 1 is irrational but meaningful to me. Phase 1 is anger because when I reach phase 2 you will no longer matter to me. Time to cleanse my own filth so I can be of worth to give to another. But u swear if you ever come my way again you will regret every bit of dirty laundry you have me.....
I hope you find strength thought me
~Intimately MalissaRenee
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Temporary Satisfaction
That false sense of love is what attracts us all. That desire and wanting feeling that we all thrive on to make us feel needed. We all want to feel special. Settling on the idea of temporary satisfaction is like that one true feeling of being picked last for a team. You say a joke to lighten the mood so your feelings aren't hurt even when you know the inevitable. Hurt and fear of the unknown heightens the effect of temporary satisfaction. The worse part is when you yearn for everlasting and you know it's only temporary.
So why proceed with mere caution although you know the outcome yields temporary. Because we long to love. We long for passion. That feeling of chills when they tell you everything you want to hear. That feeling of desire when they hold you close as if the night never ends. That one feeling of knowing you're the only one they choose to spend this moment with. That feeling of how they make your whole entire body feel on fire with an aggressive tug. The whisper of insanely lustful rhetoric while lost in the moment are the fantasies we long for. But we rarely remember that fantasies are temporary as well. Once you have fulfilled it, it soon becomes a fragment of used desire.
I want you to want me regardless of the outcome. I need you to need me only in this one particular moment. I want to be the only one you desire at this very second and I want you to read my heart and mind so you know exactly how I want it. I pay the cost of temporary satisfaction and although it will stick me in debt I will yearn for passionate short satisfaction. I'm driven by impulse and destructive by quick tongue and decisions. I'm wild and abrasive.slightly jealous but it's only temporary. One day i'll cry and mourn because it'll all be a memory. I'll say hurtful things because my impulsive behavior quickly made me the victim. I'll say shit i dont mean and make you feel to blame. But the truth is i knew from the beginning what i was getting myself into. Irational behavior and manic decisions all embodies who i am.I'm crazy and sporadic. Driven and emotional. I'm a romantic at heart but it's all temporary. I love in the moment because I desire us to be beautiful. So just except me and my roller coaster of emotions and just remember it's only temporary and my brash decision for satisfaction will soon all be over. I hope you find strength through me......
Sunday, April 10, 2011
But I Thought...............
Ring.....Ring...Ring......I sit anxiously waiting for him to pick up the phone.....My heart is pounding .5sec intervals apart. I mean after all, its been two years since we last encountered! Would he know my intentions, would he care about my intentions or would he want exactly what i want??? A deep voice answers the other end of the phone....HELLO...and all of a sudden my pretentious intentions went out the door.....
My Thoughts....
Two Years Ago
We met on a summer evening....I was fresh out of a COMPLICATED situation so i wasn't looking for any mental affection...physical was a possibility, but i was eager to understand his intentions. He seemed if not more, as equally interested in me than I in him....so i dug deeper. We talked for hours...and as his voice hummed in my ear about his future endeavors i scanned that frame, to see if it would visually give me pleasure...He spoke with assurance, and confidence....he listened intently to my life goals and past accomplishments....he wanted to know everything about me! So I spoke eagerly, as many in the past weren't that interested to here my story....we fell for each other quickly..as this was a shock for me considering my previous situation had mentally and physically damaged me....i was unsure how i could feel for another so immensely!
Excited that he was just THAT in to me...I let myself fall blindly....we spent everyday on the phone or with each other....he made me temporarily happy and aloof to not wanting another. HE WAS THE ONE!!! We dated and he patiently waited for me mentally and physically..We finally reached that hump and I was surprised to see how his body fit so perfectly to me..We connected and grew closer to one another..We would occasionally hit a road block considering my desire to not want anyone like my past. I was guarded and he was guarded....but our passion overlooked our issues as we put months invested on our *situation* with one another. Time passed on and now we're past the stage of bliss.....everyday even more routine than the day before. We couldn't agree on the weather as we grew frustrated at one another...not even physicality could fix what we so quickly tore apart. Did we move to fast I asked him....and nonchalantly he replied....I mean...basically i can't give you what you want from me...ur not over your past and you half give yourself to me.. and because i'm not over my ex-girl and the past situation still F*cks wit me!! WHAT?? Are you F*cking kidding me........I said Ok and hung up the phone angrily!!
Healing
Time moved quickly as I forced myself to have ZERO contact! Thats the only way i move on from a situation and so far its been proven to work as Fact! Months went by without hearing his voice....i felt used mentally and physically as someone he needed to help him get over his divorce....Oh did i mention that when we met he was newly divorced from his ex-wife? So my feelings were hurt as I once again over extended myself in efforts to try to co-exist in someone else's life. Picking up the pieces I used this time to focus on me. My heart grew cold to any other possibilities.... Each day my healing became a hardened scar....the only way I know how to not make that same mistake twice is by locking away my heart....I started to not care....developing a reckless mind state.....F*ck their feelings is what my heart would say.....I obliged and I could care less....I was convinced that if their interested in me...it's only to see how far their mouth piece can get them....I was past the games....I played them they played them.......and each time I played them I was quickly in search for a next Him.....
1 year ago......Midnight
12:01a.m my phone rings.........and i hear his voice through the phone....he sounds as if he's choked up! I said HELLO and he said without any greeting I just wanted to apologize for all the things i've done...I've grown as a man and i realized I did not treat you the way you deserved...and for that I deeply apologize for your hurt...Shocked to hear his voice....my heart that was locked away so tightly softened... I said I appreciate you calling me and saying that.....it means alot to me!! Then i stopped.........and anger enraged me...my face grew hot...and i remember how he so quickly just left me......Forgiveness was not a factor....so I once again bolted my heart tight...and I said, "You really hurt me.......i gotta go"..........he called and called after that but I would not let myself forgive him......FOR WHAT....all these men with this baggage, and bullish...i was smelling myself and my new life to much to even reconsider FORGIVENESS......but my decision to not Forgive left me in this situation ahead..................
3 months ago
It was a huge storm.....and i sat at home in my bed thinking.........what do i want out of life?? His face flashed before my eyes....and I gasped at the realization of the decisions i chose to make.....the insurmountable mistakes I made with my hard heart decisions.....I figured the answer would be to call him....and finally FORGIVE him......HE WAS THE ONE..well he was the one i wanted for that night..my lust spoke loudly in my ear as i recalled the physical nature of our past relationship....my desire was so persistent that i couldn't convince my eager curiosity to not dial his number soooo...i said here it goes....Ring.....Ring...Ring......I sat anxiously waiting for him to pick up the phone.....My heart is pounding .5sec intervals apart. I mean after all, its been two years since we last encountered! Would he know my intentions, would he care about my intentions or would he want exactly what i want??? A deep voice answers the other end of the phone....HELLO...and all of a sudden my pretentious intentions went out the door.....
We decided to go grab dinner.......He was the ultimate gentleman...he opened up car doors, he took my coat, he ordered for me in the most chivalrous way and I was smitten!! He asked about my life and smiled at every answer I gave..his compliments were undying and our flirtation was beyond acceptable......I fell all over again.....the night was amazing....he drove me back to my car....and our dating started all over again...so I thought!!
I invited myself over....one night after a couple of days of not hearing from him........we sat and conversed....i forced myself past anger....and my previous physical intentions re-surfaced...I was aggressive as i figured that would glue the loose ends. I tried to over look his minimal interest as he kissed my neck....foreplay went on for hours as i was extremely pleased....our night grew more enjoyable and passionate as I said to myself..of course he feels the same way as me...When our passion ended we both laid their holding each other...He asked me, what were my intentions with him....and why after two years was I reaching out to him? GREAT QUESTION........i felt i was lacking something.....and when i feel like i'm lacking something i try to think back to the last time I felt loved and appreciated....i try to think back to the last time I felt beautiful.....and I try to think back to the last person who thought i was beautiful......I told him that all of those thoughts made me think of him...and i was completely wrong for not forgiving him...
But I thought.......
He looked at me and said...i think you are an amazing girl.....and I have loved the time we spent together...but for two years i've tried to show you how much I was sorry for the way I treated you....for two years..I have reached out in an effort to show you how much I loved you...And after two years I can honestly say that i don't want that from you anymore......You so quickly shut me out of your life and became cold....how do i know you won't do that to me again? It's a risk right now in my life that i'm not willing to take...and Malissa it's been two years? It took you two years to realize that you cared about me??
My heart sunk into the floor....as i made excuses....as i tried to explain my reasoning as i asked him to understand how I felt....and try to FORGIVE me........see i thought that he would always feel the same way about me...he said Malissa i'm sorry but it's too late!! I put on my clothes slowly.....i was in shock...I realized that i truly F*cked up.....aside from what happened he was a great guy....everything that I could want in a man...and as I walked out of his door...i hugged him and said i'm Sorry!! I drove home crying uncontrollably......
My Thoughts....
My hurt wasn't triggered by thinking he was the one.....my hurt was triggered by not taking my mistakes with him and moving on in life to apply what I have learned to something and someone else.....all situations aren't meant to be rekindled....but when we put ourselves in situations that have a rocky past...we set ourselves up for failure. There are specific reasons you are removed from certain situations.....you can't fix a situation that has been broken for years.....so after that humbling experience...i chose to positively move forward and hopefully learn from my mistakes....I hope you find strength through me.....
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I promised myself U wouldn't Put UR Hands On Me Again......
Running in full speed sadness subsides me...... i slow my pace as anger begins to rush over me! I stop and take a look around as fear consumes me..i look down and tell my feet to keep moving! Not sure where to go i find my car, i lift down my mirror, face RED and HOT i once again began to cry...i slam the fold of the mirror into the ceiling of my car..breaking down into pieces i lose my will to drive and just as my faith begins to subside i see his face and feet moving swiftly to my car...........I TAKE OFF
The Summer
Its the summer going into my sophomore year and my first time living in campus apartments. I take a deep breath and step out the car unaware of the excitement to come. My phone rings and his voice begins to speak unaffected by his loving emotion towards me i lose all interest in everything he continues to speak....While his voice blares in my ear i quickly lose focus as HE walks by my car. OMG my heart begins to race.....i quickly dismiss HIM off my phone and attend all my attention to HE...... I vie for his undivided attention for him to finally notice me. he slowly approaches me and i quickly become lost in his words..he leads me on with subtle gestures of mysterious hints towards LOVE....so i engage myself on getting to know HIM better. If there was ever a case of love at first sight i would've surely been a partaker in the case study because i never grew so much in love with a person at the beginning of a summer. Summer Love was far from my mind but somehow are connection superseded any fairytale, novel, hopeless, romantic love jones utopia i could've ever imagined. We grew inseparable....
Time Moved Quick
By the middle of the summer we were together. He lived with me and i longed for him. I would study attend work as his schedule would be the same and when he got home food was sitting ready on the table. I loved his being and for sure he loved me. Emotions and words that we never expressed to another we were each others FIRST. Countless nights were spent becoming more and more vulnerable to each other.....as i removed his layers he removed mine and together we embraced our fear of the unknown and somehow became bonded together.Our lust for each other was underestimated. Countless nights were spent exploring each others bodies, minds and hearts.....Only if everything could've stayed as blissful as that summer.
FALL SEMESTER
School was finally here and a new woman emerged. I was beyond ready to show off my summer love. He seemed willing to stand by my side and brave this new semester just as much as I. He engaged in other activities that took up parts of his time but i was beyond understanding as whatever made him happy would be apart of my life. I was willing to accept every flaw about him. Most importantly i was willing to love him for him. I could careless about what he became or who became his new friends the only person i cared about was deeper beyond those thick layers of skin. No One else mattered. No One else caught my attention and concerning him....there were no insecurities within that ever made me doubt him. I was the definition of someone who would be there through thick and thin. A definition that soon became too much for even him to comprehend. You see one thing that left me so naive was the fact that i was giving HIM all of Me...i never once stopped to think what would happen if he HURT ME...
2 Nights Before
We had a regular routine...As i got off work i would head home with food in hand, something for him to eat. As i got in my room i followed our regular routine. I slipped into some comfortable clothes i sat at the edge of the bed and looked at my phone. Tonight was unusual but still again my routine was the same. I pick up the phone to call him and his voice appears through the phone. Excitement renders through my body as i figure out his whereabouts nothing to out of the norm except for the nervousness in his tone. This conversation seemed very quick after he promised to give me a call when he headed my way...i couldn't get over the quaint feelings of how quick our regular routine somehow tonight became ditched. I sat at home and waited patiently removing any thoughts of doubt from my mind as he had never forsaken me but an hour later something tells me to pick up the phone and call him one more time. As i dial the number i begin to shake as i'm trying to understand why its almost midnight and i haven't seen his face. The phone rings tirelessly as i continued to call in sequences of three. I drop the phone and fall to the floor as the pit of my stomach drops through the floor. I begin to weep because although all i can render is assumptions my conscience is now proving to be working. 12am turns into 3am as i still hear nothing from him. I called again and he answers. His voice seems different as excitement left his earlier tone and now has turned into defensiveness of my suspicions. He makes up a quick fabrication and assures me the time of his arrival towards my destination. All i could hear were the words soon. So i become angry towards my conscience and tried to once again become blissfully consumed. I tried to forget the earlier misunderstandings but things just were not the same.
Once the truth is revealed to u, u can no longer continue to be blind and at that moment i chose to wanna be blind. I didn't wanna break our routine and i damn sure didn't wanna think or believe he was capable of hurting me. My stomach in knots and my eyes swollen i still couldn't fall sleep. His promise of soon quickly turned into never as i watched the clock strike 4:45a.m I had had enough. I wasn't myself and God's truth at the moment wasn't enough for me. Looks like i was gonna have to learn the hard way. Little did i know what awaited me. I threw on some sweats wrapped my hair and sought to figure out this mystery. Where in the HELL could he be? Once again i dialed his number tirelessly. I heard no more rings just his voicemail greeting me. That fueled my fury and i slammed my apartment door..i walked over to his room in a matter of seconds. Nervous to walk up the steps something told me to turn around. I kept moving faster as the voice now became dimmer and dimmer. I reached his room and the front door was wide open. My heart was now beating out of my chest. I began to sweat as i had no idea what my next move would be as i approached his room. To my surprise it was wide open with every light in the house on. My heart now has burst open as i can't believe this is happening to me. Just as my throat becomes heavy and tears begin to well in my eyes i pull it together and i take a seat. I sat right there on the edge of his bed waiting.........seconds turned to minutes as another hour passed by i heard the front door swing open....
I knew it was him.....its crazy because a subtle bit of of calmness suddenly came over me. He stepped in the room shocked. His face frightened and nervous i calmly asked him, "where he had been?" He stuttered and nervously mustered up a defensive confidence that said, "at my homeboys house". As anger continued to rise in me how in the Hell could he just throw off on me any type of a lackadaisical justification. I once again calmly asked him....."is that right?" He again with an arrogant tone said, "yes that is right?" Trying to gain understanding before i lose it I asked, well why couldn't you answer the phone at your HOMEBOYS house. Not humbled at all he said, "We were busy" I asked once again searching, "Who is she?" and he looked at me cold and ignoring the question and said, "why are you in my room?"......I became infuriated and a politely got up , said OK and walked out of the door. My anger turned to mush and i watched my once rock solid confidence turn to pure weakness. He was my everything....and to hear him so blatantly disrespect me, I could no longer search for an answer that i already knew. I had to walk a way from a man who i loved so dearly but my strength continued to fail me. My weeping turned to loud SOBS as i stormed out of his apartment. I was embarrassed, hurt, sick, belittled and down right disrespected. I got to my room and he never followed. How could his heart quickly become so uncaring. Was i the only one living in this love story?
As I got to my room......i sat alone facing my internal demons. He never Followed me, he just let me go...What did i do to him to deserve this. I felt torture as the truth harshly became revealed. All he did was call me. His voice unemotional he claimed he was sorry. As he heard my sympathetic pleading he now began to see the effects of his actions. I yelled at him through the phone to paint a picture of the hurt he had caused me. Now there was a sudden since of urgency. He now rushed to my room and and sought to comfort me from the pain HE had caused me. It was too late No band aid could fix the wound he gave me. I looked at him softly and said i wanna know the truth....So he told me everything..He explained that he had met another HER.....a temporary HER, that resulted in a casual night of lust....i can't even explain the hurt i felt. It was as if someone repeatedly punched me in the stomach. I became sick unable to cry any more. Dry heaving came next as i slipped into a mild depression. I lost my willingness to fight with him. As i became mute he did everything to comfort me. I couldn't move, i couldn't speak and i couldn't react all i wanted to so was sleep. I figured once i fell asleep this would all be over in the morning. My pain would be eased and we could slip back into our regular routine. When i woke up my emotions were numb. I became cold......he looked at me and once again began his sense of urgency. He reacted in every way possible to get me back but i wasn't having that!!!
The NIGHT that changed my LIFE
Numb from the last two nights of drama i soon lost the willingness to confide in anyone. I knew what had to be done. My heart drew cold as i never felt this empty before. All his calls never reached my ear as i sought to begin eliminating HIM. I wanted him out of my life. But i wanted him near. My heart was in limbo but my anger once again ignited my drive to be done. It was 8pm and he still continued to call. He dialed now from a different number becoming clever and was able to reach my ear. He realized his soft approach was no longer working so he tried to ignite fear. Unable to handle the consequences of his own mistakes he began to make me his Bait. He sunk low and sought to deteriorate any self love i had inside of me. He called me names, beat my self esteem down to a pulp and verbally brutalized me. Sunken to my pillow with wonder and hurt i couldn't understand where my Summer Love was? Who was this man....who had he become? Jealous because his own faults couldn't recieve another outcome now he sought destroy the love inside of me. In an effort to be done...i gave him a call and stated how i was coming to get my stuff. He hung up in my face and so it begun.....
The walk back over to his room was gore...Something about that night sat eerie on my chest. Knowing that familiar feeling i felt i needed my things to prove a statement that i was done. As i reached his door...the lock greeted me. Luckily his roommates were there to help me. They opened the door and i proceeded to his room. I knocked and knocked as his roommates returned back to their rooms. I was consistenly ignored as i heard him shuffling around through his door. I stated calmly that i didn't wanna argue i just wanted my things. That statement must've enraged him because it was returned with harsh yelling. I became scared as he cracked the door and hardened his heart with every insult. I asked if i could come in to get my things and was shoved back from his door. Now logically i should've left but unafraid of this new person he became i pleaded with my Summer Love to just give me my things..I once again get shoved away from his door. His eyes frightened me as i never saw a person so cold. The look on his face was FRIGID...it harbored no love, no softness and vulnerability.
Fear
I moved closer to the door again and he rushed out of his room grabbed me with full force and slammed me to the grown. His apartment rumbled...and my eyes closed shut. He then began to mush me repeatedly into the ground. As my head continued to hit the back of his apartment floor i clammed up and covered my head. I turned into a ball and as i revolted to a fetus position he took all his force and began to punch me...one shot hit the side of my face as the other grazed my rib cage. I felt no pain......All i felt was numbness due to shock...His roommates quickly rushed out of their rooms and contained him. He retreated to his room as i sat balled up on the floor, gripped my personal items and with all his force threw them at me.....
Awakened from the shock of everything i quickly grabbed my things and jetted out the front door.... Running in full speed sadness subsides me i felt LOW...... i slow my pace as anger begins to rush over me! I stop and take a look around as fear consumes me..i look down and tell my feet to keep moving! Not sure where to go i find my car, i lift down my mirror, face RED and HOT i once again began to cry...i slam the fold of the mirror into the ceiling of my car..breaking down into pieces i lose my will to drive and just as my faith begins to subside i see his face and feet moving swiftly to my car...........I TAKE OFF driving with no destination i pulled over to an abandoned parking lot at 10pm and fell into a deep depression. My confidence was shot, my heart was broken, my face was bruised and my whole being was embarrassed. Who do i talk to......who do i run too? With no answer i fell asleep in that parking lot in my car....i woke up afraid to return to my room as his rage carried over in to the morning with threatening voicemails...Unafraid of his demeanor i was more battered on my heart......what should i do?
The Aftermath
Until this moment i have never told the entire truth of the events that happened that night. To admit that I was involved in a domestic situation always triggers an emotion of weakness inside of me. Its easy to say what you would do in a domestic situation. I sure thought i had the answers. My self esteem was bruised and battered far worse than any scratches he left on my body. I felt ugly and unattractive. I felt weak. I was stagnant. I was scared! I blamed myself. I fabricated the story and never told the whole truth. I downgraded his blows to a minor shove in efforts to protect him. I was still deeply in love. BUT ONCE I WOKE UP......i realized that i was in love with a man who never existed. I was in love with someone who i made up in my mind. You see i had a choice from the beginning to just walkaway but i chose to wanna placate. But that next day was different. In my lowest moment i gained strength. As the sun shined down on me I knew i would no longer be the same woman. I would no longer give anybody EVERY bit of me. I realized the only person who would receive 100% was the man shining down above me.That situation has truly shaped me. There were no excuses for his actions and although i began the painful process of healing my heart i promised myself he wouldn't put his hands on me again. I hope you find strength in me :)
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
The Summer
Its the summer going into my sophomore year and my first time living in campus apartments. I take a deep breath and step out the car unaware of the excitement to come. My phone rings and his voice begins to speak unaffected by his loving emotion towards me i lose all interest in everything he continues to speak....While his voice blares in my ear i quickly lose focus as HE walks by my car. OMG my heart begins to race.....i quickly dismiss HIM off my phone and attend all my attention to HE...... I vie for his undivided attention for him to finally notice me. he slowly approaches me and i quickly become lost in his words..he leads me on with subtle gestures of mysterious hints towards LOVE....so i engage myself on getting to know HIM better. If there was ever a case of love at first sight i would've surely been a partaker in the case study because i never grew so much in love with a person at the beginning of a summer. Summer Love was far from my mind but somehow are connection superseded any fairytale, novel, hopeless, romantic love jones utopia i could've ever imagined. We grew inseparable....
Time Moved Quick
By the middle of the summer we were together. He lived with me and i longed for him. I would study attend work as his schedule would be the same and when he got home food was sitting ready on the table. I loved his being and for sure he loved me. Emotions and words that we never expressed to another we were each others FIRST. Countless nights were spent becoming more and more vulnerable to each other.....as i removed his layers he removed mine and together we embraced our fear of the unknown and somehow became bonded together.Our lust for each other was underestimated. Countless nights were spent exploring each others bodies, minds and hearts.....Only if everything could've stayed as blissful as that summer.
FALL SEMESTER
School was finally here and a new woman emerged. I was beyond ready to show off my summer love. He seemed willing to stand by my side and brave this new semester just as much as I. He engaged in other activities that took up parts of his time but i was beyond understanding as whatever made him happy would be apart of my life. I was willing to accept every flaw about him. Most importantly i was willing to love him for him. I could careless about what he became or who became his new friends the only person i cared about was deeper beyond those thick layers of skin. No One else mattered. No One else caught my attention and concerning him....there were no insecurities within that ever made me doubt him. I was the definition of someone who would be there through thick and thin. A definition that soon became too much for even him to comprehend. You see one thing that left me so naive was the fact that i was giving HIM all of Me...i never once stopped to think what would happen if he HURT ME...
2 Nights Before
We had a regular routine...As i got off work i would head home with food in hand, something for him to eat. As i got in my room i followed our regular routine. I slipped into some comfortable clothes i sat at the edge of the bed and looked at my phone. Tonight was unusual but still again my routine was the same. I pick up the phone to call him and his voice appears through the phone. Excitement renders through my body as i figure out his whereabouts nothing to out of the norm except for the nervousness in his tone. This conversation seemed very quick after he promised to give me a call when he headed my way...i couldn't get over the quaint feelings of how quick our regular routine somehow tonight became ditched. I sat at home and waited patiently removing any thoughts of doubt from my mind as he had never forsaken me but an hour later something tells me to pick up the phone and call him one more time. As i dial the number i begin to shake as i'm trying to understand why its almost midnight and i haven't seen his face. The phone rings tirelessly as i continued to call in sequences of three. I drop the phone and fall to the floor as the pit of my stomach drops through the floor. I begin to weep because although all i can render is assumptions my conscience is now proving to be working. 12am turns into 3am as i still hear nothing from him. I called again and he answers. His voice seems different as excitement left his earlier tone and now has turned into defensiveness of my suspicions. He makes up a quick fabrication and assures me the time of his arrival towards my destination. All i could hear were the words soon. So i become angry towards my conscience and tried to once again become blissfully consumed. I tried to forget the earlier misunderstandings but things just were not the same.
Once the truth is revealed to u, u can no longer continue to be blind and at that moment i chose to wanna be blind. I didn't wanna break our routine and i damn sure didn't wanna think or believe he was capable of hurting me. My stomach in knots and my eyes swollen i still couldn't fall sleep. His promise of soon quickly turned into never as i watched the clock strike 4:45a.m I had had enough. I wasn't myself and God's truth at the moment wasn't enough for me. Looks like i was gonna have to learn the hard way. Little did i know what awaited me. I threw on some sweats wrapped my hair and sought to figure out this mystery. Where in the HELL could he be? Once again i dialed his number tirelessly. I heard no more rings just his voicemail greeting me. That fueled my fury and i slammed my apartment door..i walked over to his room in a matter of seconds. Nervous to walk up the steps something told me to turn around. I kept moving faster as the voice now became dimmer and dimmer. I reached his room and the front door was wide open. My heart was now beating out of my chest. I began to sweat as i had no idea what my next move would be as i approached his room. To my surprise it was wide open with every light in the house on. My heart now has burst open as i can't believe this is happening to me. Just as my throat becomes heavy and tears begin to well in my eyes i pull it together and i take a seat. I sat right there on the edge of his bed waiting.........seconds turned to minutes as another hour passed by i heard the front door swing open....
I knew it was him.....its crazy because a subtle bit of of calmness suddenly came over me. He stepped in the room shocked. His face frightened and nervous i calmly asked him, "where he had been?" He stuttered and nervously mustered up a defensive confidence that said, "at my homeboys house". As anger continued to rise in me how in the Hell could he just throw off on me any type of a lackadaisical justification. I once again calmly asked him....."is that right?" He again with an arrogant tone said, "yes that is right?" Trying to gain understanding before i lose it I asked, well why couldn't you answer the phone at your HOMEBOYS house. Not humbled at all he said, "We were busy" I asked once again searching, "Who is she?" and he looked at me cold and ignoring the question and said, "why are you in my room?"......I became infuriated and a politely got up , said OK and walked out of the door. My anger turned to mush and i watched my once rock solid confidence turn to pure weakness. He was my everything....and to hear him so blatantly disrespect me, I could no longer search for an answer that i already knew. I had to walk a way from a man who i loved so dearly but my strength continued to fail me. My weeping turned to loud SOBS as i stormed out of his apartment. I was embarrassed, hurt, sick, belittled and down right disrespected. I got to my room and he never followed. How could his heart quickly become so uncaring. Was i the only one living in this love story?
As I got to my room......i sat alone facing my internal demons. He never Followed me, he just let me go...What did i do to him to deserve this. I felt torture as the truth harshly became revealed. All he did was call me. His voice unemotional he claimed he was sorry. As he heard my sympathetic pleading he now began to see the effects of his actions. I yelled at him through the phone to paint a picture of the hurt he had caused me. Now there was a sudden since of urgency. He now rushed to my room and and sought to comfort me from the pain HE had caused me. It was too late No band aid could fix the wound he gave me. I looked at him softly and said i wanna know the truth....So he told me everything..He explained that he had met another HER.....a temporary HER, that resulted in a casual night of lust....i can't even explain the hurt i felt. It was as if someone repeatedly punched me in the stomach. I became sick unable to cry any more. Dry heaving came next as i slipped into a mild depression. I lost my willingness to fight with him. As i became mute he did everything to comfort me. I couldn't move, i couldn't speak and i couldn't react all i wanted to so was sleep. I figured once i fell asleep this would all be over in the morning. My pain would be eased and we could slip back into our regular routine. When i woke up my emotions were numb. I became cold......he looked at me and once again began his sense of urgency. He reacted in every way possible to get me back but i wasn't having that!!!
The NIGHT that changed my LIFE
Numb from the last two nights of drama i soon lost the willingness to confide in anyone. I knew what had to be done. My heart drew cold as i never felt this empty before. All his calls never reached my ear as i sought to begin eliminating HIM. I wanted him out of my life. But i wanted him near. My heart was in limbo but my anger once again ignited my drive to be done. It was 8pm and he still continued to call. He dialed now from a different number becoming clever and was able to reach my ear. He realized his soft approach was no longer working so he tried to ignite fear. Unable to handle the consequences of his own mistakes he began to make me his Bait. He sunk low and sought to deteriorate any self love i had inside of me. He called me names, beat my self esteem down to a pulp and verbally brutalized me. Sunken to my pillow with wonder and hurt i couldn't understand where my Summer Love was? Who was this man....who had he become? Jealous because his own faults couldn't recieve another outcome now he sought destroy the love inside of me. In an effort to be done...i gave him a call and stated how i was coming to get my stuff. He hung up in my face and so it begun.....
The walk back over to his room was gore...Something about that night sat eerie on my chest. Knowing that familiar feeling i felt i needed my things to prove a statement that i was done. As i reached his door...the lock greeted me. Luckily his roommates were there to help me. They opened the door and i proceeded to his room. I knocked and knocked as his roommates returned back to their rooms. I was consistenly ignored as i heard him shuffling around through his door. I stated calmly that i didn't wanna argue i just wanted my things. That statement must've enraged him because it was returned with harsh yelling. I became scared as he cracked the door and hardened his heart with every insult. I asked if i could come in to get my things and was shoved back from his door. Now logically i should've left but unafraid of this new person he became i pleaded with my Summer Love to just give me my things..I once again get shoved away from his door. His eyes frightened me as i never saw a person so cold. The look on his face was FRIGID...it harbored no love, no softness and vulnerability.
Fear
I moved closer to the door again and he rushed out of his room grabbed me with full force and slammed me to the grown. His apartment rumbled...and my eyes closed shut. He then began to mush me repeatedly into the ground. As my head continued to hit the back of his apartment floor i clammed up and covered my head. I turned into a ball and as i revolted to a fetus position he took all his force and began to punch me...one shot hit the side of my face as the other grazed my rib cage. I felt no pain......All i felt was numbness due to shock...His roommates quickly rushed out of their rooms and contained him. He retreated to his room as i sat balled up on the floor, gripped my personal items and with all his force threw them at me.....
Awakened from the shock of everything i quickly grabbed my things and jetted out the front door.... Running in full speed sadness subsides me i felt LOW...... i slow my pace as anger begins to rush over me! I stop and take a look around as fear consumes me..i look down and tell my feet to keep moving! Not sure where to go i find my car, i lift down my mirror, face RED and HOT i once again began to cry...i slam the fold of the mirror into the ceiling of my car..breaking down into pieces i lose my will to drive and just as my faith begins to subside i see his face and feet moving swiftly to my car...........I TAKE OFF driving with no destination i pulled over to an abandoned parking lot at 10pm and fell into a deep depression. My confidence was shot, my heart was broken, my face was bruised and my whole being was embarrassed. Who do i talk to......who do i run too? With no answer i fell asleep in that parking lot in my car....i woke up afraid to return to my room as his rage carried over in to the morning with threatening voicemails...Unafraid of his demeanor i was more battered on my heart......what should i do?
The Aftermath
Until this moment i have never told the entire truth of the events that happened that night. To admit that I was involved in a domestic situation always triggers an emotion of weakness inside of me. Its easy to say what you would do in a domestic situation. I sure thought i had the answers. My self esteem was bruised and battered far worse than any scratches he left on my body. I felt ugly and unattractive. I felt weak. I was stagnant. I was scared! I blamed myself. I fabricated the story and never told the whole truth. I downgraded his blows to a minor shove in efforts to protect him. I was still deeply in love. BUT ONCE I WOKE UP......i realized that i was in love with a man who never existed. I was in love with someone who i made up in my mind. You see i had a choice from the beginning to just walkaway but i chose to wanna placate. But that next day was different. In my lowest moment i gained strength. As the sun shined down on me I knew i would no longer be the same woman. I would no longer give anybody EVERY bit of me. I realized the only person who would receive 100% was the man shining down above me.That situation has truly shaped me. There were no excuses for his actions and although i began the painful process of healing my heart i promised myself he wouldn't put his hands on me again. I hope you find strength in me :)
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Saturday, October 30, 2010
How I Choose to Remember U.............
I can't help but imagine....where u are right now...or what your doing at this exact moment, but i can choose to imagine a beautiful you, mixed with a complicated us that ended in a detrimental me!! All those things now prove to be vacant as the timer on us became due.......but from this day forward i wanna choose to Remember a Beautiful U :)
Then
I can remember the day we met....it was as if time stopped in the middle of the walkway as i watched u pursue me. A woman with confidence i never gave it any thought...i just laughed at ur coy sense of humor and continued to walk. U followed....and i became more intrigued as the days grew longer i wasted no time in my lustful nature rapidly inviting u to tend to my needs. It was casual......yeah no big deal but that night changed my life and it continues still. My mind never became in sync with my heart as a matter of fact they grew further and further apart. Every night was kept with hope in my heart as u wrapped ur arms tightly around my body i became more enthralled.
Someone once told me to be cautious with Love......at one moment i was but i soon forgot. I began to slip into loving ways and blissful days. Ur wants now became my needs and no other words needed to be said. You see....i fooled u but u never fooled me. I knew ur heart and u knew my possibility which made our situation rather interesting. Vulnerability crept all over me as u stuck to the previous arrangement that was a guarantee. I guess i thought u would forget that first day and ur love would grow with me.....but i realized much sooner than later that i created a catastrophe. I fell in love with the person u are......and i know in my heart u fell in love with the person that I am. Our hearts both lied....b/c neither one of us could stand the obstacles foreseen to bare.
Heartbreak quickly rushed in my door. A hurt that engulfed my stomach, and captured my breath to store. What do i do with how i feel....u quickly replaced my affection with a new heart ready to give love...Was i not worthy enough? what was different about her? Or are u living a lie just as much as her....
Now
A cool rain drop fell on my nose and i smiled.....as breeze captured me in her breath i whirled. Like the feeling of warmth in your heart on a frigid day...i become engulfed! I can remember that day in Hilton Head as i rolled down my window i felt the wind kiss my hand...i closed my eyes briefly and took in that moment....I can remember my tears being wiped away and an embraced that stayed for days...as i remember these things i remember LOVE.
I sat one day and watched a beautiful tree sway.....its leaves stay put...and its limbs danced in the air! The body of the tree never wavered and the roots were far from eye site to their labor. But what was interesting about that tree was that i never needed to see its roots to know its heart and purpose. Its love for the limbs and leaves proved so evident in its fluidity. I smiled that day......because i remembered a beautiful u. A beautiful man that made me smile from ear to ear, that made me feel safe in his arms, that did his best to comfort me....and that deep in his heart had LOVE 4 ME!
U see just like that tree i don't have to see your roots to know your HEART....i know what i feel and i know whats in my HEART...see even if this letter never gets read or u never feel 4 me how i felt for u......It's ALL OK...BECAUSE REGARDLESS OF THE YEARS TO COME....THIS IS HOW I'LL CHOOSE TO REMEMBER YOU :)
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Then
I can remember the day we met....it was as if time stopped in the middle of the walkway as i watched u pursue me. A woman with confidence i never gave it any thought...i just laughed at ur coy sense of humor and continued to walk. U followed....and i became more intrigued as the days grew longer i wasted no time in my lustful nature rapidly inviting u to tend to my needs. It was casual......yeah no big deal but that night changed my life and it continues still. My mind never became in sync with my heart as a matter of fact they grew further and further apart. Every night was kept with hope in my heart as u wrapped ur arms tightly around my body i became more enthralled.
Someone once told me to be cautious with Love......at one moment i was but i soon forgot. I began to slip into loving ways and blissful days. Ur wants now became my needs and no other words needed to be said. You see....i fooled u but u never fooled me. I knew ur heart and u knew my possibility which made our situation rather interesting. Vulnerability crept all over me as u stuck to the previous arrangement that was a guarantee. I guess i thought u would forget that first day and ur love would grow with me.....but i realized much sooner than later that i created a catastrophe. I fell in love with the person u are......and i know in my heart u fell in love with the person that I am. Our hearts both lied....b/c neither one of us could stand the obstacles foreseen to bare.
Heartbreak quickly rushed in my door. A hurt that engulfed my stomach, and captured my breath to store. What do i do with how i feel....u quickly replaced my affection with a new heart ready to give love...Was i not worthy enough? what was different about her? Or are u living a lie just as much as her....
Now
A cool rain drop fell on my nose and i smiled.....as breeze captured me in her breath i whirled. Like the feeling of warmth in your heart on a frigid day...i become engulfed! I can remember that day in Hilton Head as i rolled down my window i felt the wind kiss my hand...i closed my eyes briefly and took in that moment....I can remember my tears being wiped away and an embraced that stayed for days...as i remember these things i remember LOVE.
I sat one day and watched a beautiful tree sway.....its leaves stay put...and its limbs danced in the air! The body of the tree never wavered and the roots were far from eye site to their labor. But what was interesting about that tree was that i never needed to see its roots to know its heart and purpose. Its love for the limbs and leaves proved so evident in its fluidity. I smiled that day......because i remembered a beautiful u. A beautiful man that made me smile from ear to ear, that made me feel safe in his arms, that did his best to comfort me....and that deep in his heart had LOVE 4 ME!
U see just like that tree i don't have to see your roots to know your HEART....i know what i feel and i know whats in my HEART...see even if this letter never gets read or u never feel 4 me how i felt for u......It's ALL OK...BECAUSE REGARDLESS OF THE YEARS TO COME....THIS IS HOW I'LL CHOOSE TO REMEMBER YOU :)
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Fighting Temptation
Between You and Me,
.......7:15p.m damn i'm late! I rush to the bathroom to finish applying my adored pink victoria's secret lipstick to my lips, i stop and look in the mirror as my heart beats faster than ever. Heat rushes over my body...shortly after a nervous sensation creeps down my spine! Our first encounter....races through my mind as my imagination runs wild! Its time to get into some trouble tonight!
An Impersonal Encounter
You were with a group of friends as i stared at you from across the room....trying to understand my initial attraction to you....but it was unsolved. Physically, you were confident and a subtle simpleness you carried while you walked was quite enticing. Not the bare eye orgasm type of guy.....you were different...I caught eye contact and quickly turned my head away...such a simple infatuation (in which i've had many) so i kept socializing....The event was just about to get started so i eagerly took my seat, excited to hear the panel discussion.................Then you spoke.............my eyes caught immediate attention as i realized you were apart of the panel offering an intellectual viewpoint, that physically stopped my breath. he spoke with eloquence the whole night....at times flashing a gorgeous smile that made me melt! I had to get out of there as my initial attraction drew to much to handle....i stepped in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror...." Malissa get it together.."
Come Here
After the panel discussion ended....i stayed after to socialize! I thought about playing a simple game of hard to get but at that point i wanted my way! My aggressive nature took full effect as i scanned the room, caught eye contact, flashed a smile and forwardly said "COME HERE"......he obliged and as he walked over i felt my aggression turn to mild flirtation....we quickly engaged in a short conversation that i cut very quickly and said, "no need for small talk.....TAKE MY NUMBER"..........i ended the encounter very coyly saying, "Maybe we can get coffee sometime"....i giggled and walked off.................. The countdown began! sure enough 10min after i pulled out of the parking lot to head home, he texted me..saying, "it was nice to meet you tonight...i would love for us to get to know each other better"....i thought to myself hmmmmmmmmm ;)
7:30p.m
After a phone call to meet up at this swanky midtown restaurant.....i immediately set the mood in my car! As Beyonce's "speechless" blared through my speakers my imagination ran rampant! The intense attraction i felt towards him, shocked me! As i'm no inexperienced woman here, i couldn't understand why my heart was beating so abruptly fast! A calmness filled my body as i parked! A vixen stepped out the car ready to attack! As i saw him walk up, my normal savage demeanor subsided and my nervousness showed! Once again i told myself to get it together as i never am the shy type! We conveniently sat angled in front of each other as he scanned me from head to toe!! In the middle of winter my nose began to sweat!...............WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? i played it cool and reverted to general topics of discussion...he steadily tried to find my weakness by softly touching my arm, then my hand, then..........i feel a softness touch my thigh...i looked down as he wasn't embarrassed in fact by then he gripped harder. Almost about to jump accross the table in eager sexual frustration.. I excused myself from the table and once again head to the bathroom!! At this point i'm convinced that the end of the night will end with a less reserved conclusion than our start!! My head pounds as i say to myself "YOU CAN'T".......i head back to the table as if nothing happened.....we continue to conversate....long pauses interupt our speech as we just become extremely infatuated with each other! By now time has completely passed us by.....unaffected by the concerns of tomorrow we continue to talk further enticing each other! After a couple of drinks....my judgement is sooo far gone!! CHECK PLEASE...........
11:45p.m
He helps me with my coat in preparation to walk me to my car.......i catch my balance now feeling the effects of those drinks and i smile at him!! We have nothing to talk about as we sat for hours exxhausting useless subjects for conversation purposes.....He takes my hand and guides me outside! It s FREEZING so he immediately puts his arm around my shoulder!! By now i'm excited because i'm half way to the car...and i'm acting good!!! I'm dodging temptation and just enjoying whats left of this casual night!! He then tells me i had a great time with you tonight!
11:55p.m
I open up my mouth to speak, halfway to my car and he steps in front of me.... grabs my waist and lifts me in the air!!!!!!!!!!Straddling him i'm in complete shock as he proceeds to kiss on my neck...and slowly grab my waist tighter!He assertively moves his hands from my waist to my A**....he whispers in my ear to wrap my legs around his back tighter! Still in shock my aggression kicks in as I attempt to take control ferociously and intensly kissing him back and grabbing him tighter, i tilt his head to the side slowly sucking his neck....by now my conscience is non-existent...he puts me down and repeatedly mumbles my name as if he's in shock that i reacted back....we reach my car and he softly grabs my coat, turns me around and pushes me down on the hood of the car (mind you we're in a residential neighborhood at MIDNIGHT).we continue kissing, grabbing, staring and licking each other..He takes complete control as i just stare at the stars and lay back!!!!My body is on fire at the shock of what's going on!!
12:30a.m
..............................................................................i regain consciousness and tell him to "GET IN THE CAR".................he then becomes nervous as i slowly approach his car....he gets out comes to my door, opens it...and extends me back in the car!! we once more become intense, this time he grips my waist and slowly starts removing my coat, he slowly moans in my ear and says "I WANT YOU"...........then i stop him...kiss him one more time...and I said, "CALL ME SOMETIME"............i then drove off!!!! omg!!!
Frustrated for a Logical Reason
As much as temptation was a factor of our whole encounter.......in that very moment i decided i wanted more than just a casual evening! Although i was intensly intrigued by his aggression i've been there done that! i realized i wanted substance and much more than a one night! I realized i wanted an everyday.....soooo i made the very DIFFICULT decision to LEAVE..!!!lol i'm still at shock with myself for that one People....i ask myself everyday how i walked away from that lol......................know your worth and know what you deserve...don't make it so easy ladies! i hope you find strength through my situation!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
.......7:15p.m damn i'm late! I rush to the bathroom to finish applying my adored pink victoria's secret lipstick to my lips, i stop and look in the mirror as my heart beats faster than ever. Heat rushes over my body...shortly after a nervous sensation creeps down my spine! Our first encounter....races through my mind as my imagination runs wild! Its time to get into some trouble tonight!
An Impersonal Encounter
You were with a group of friends as i stared at you from across the room....trying to understand my initial attraction to you....but it was unsolved. Physically, you were confident and a subtle simpleness you carried while you walked was quite enticing. Not the bare eye orgasm type of guy.....you were different...I caught eye contact and quickly turned my head away...such a simple infatuation (in which i've had many) so i kept socializing....The event was just about to get started so i eagerly took my seat, excited to hear the panel discussion.................Then you spoke.............my eyes caught immediate attention as i realized you were apart of the panel offering an intellectual viewpoint, that physically stopped my breath. he spoke with eloquence the whole night....at times flashing a gorgeous smile that made me melt! I had to get out of there as my initial attraction drew to much to handle....i stepped in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror...." Malissa get it together.."
Come Here
After the panel discussion ended....i stayed after to socialize! I thought about playing a simple game of hard to get but at that point i wanted my way! My aggressive nature took full effect as i scanned the room, caught eye contact, flashed a smile and forwardly said "COME HERE"......he obliged and as he walked over i felt my aggression turn to mild flirtation....we quickly engaged in a short conversation that i cut very quickly and said, "no need for small talk.....TAKE MY NUMBER"..........i ended the encounter very coyly saying, "Maybe we can get coffee sometime"....i giggled and walked off.................. The countdown began! sure enough 10min after i pulled out of the parking lot to head home, he texted me..saying, "it was nice to meet you tonight...i would love for us to get to know each other better"....i thought to myself hmmmmmmmmm ;)
7:30p.m
After a phone call to meet up at this swanky midtown restaurant.....i immediately set the mood in my car! As Beyonce's "speechless" blared through my speakers my imagination ran rampant! The intense attraction i felt towards him, shocked me! As i'm no inexperienced woman here, i couldn't understand why my heart was beating so abruptly fast! A calmness filled my body as i parked! A vixen stepped out the car ready to attack! As i saw him walk up, my normal savage demeanor subsided and my nervousness showed! Once again i told myself to get it together as i never am the shy type! We conveniently sat angled in front of each other as he scanned me from head to toe!! In the middle of winter my nose began to sweat!...............WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? i played it cool and reverted to general topics of discussion...he steadily tried to find my weakness by softly touching my arm, then my hand, then..........i feel a softness touch my thigh...i looked down as he wasn't embarrassed in fact by then he gripped harder. Almost about to jump accross the table in eager sexual frustration.. I excused myself from the table and once again head to the bathroom!! At this point i'm convinced that the end of the night will end with a less reserved conclusion than our start!! My head pounds as i say to myself "YOU CAN'T".......i head back to the table as if nothing happened.....we continue to conversate....long pauses interupt our speech as we just become extremely infatuated with each other! By now time has completely passed us by.....unaffected by the concerns of tomorrow we continue to talk further enticing each other! After a couple of drinks....my judgement is sooo far gone!! CHECK PLEASE...........
11:45p.m
He helps me with my coat in preparation to walk me to my car.......i catch my balance now feeling the effects of those drinks and i smile at him!! We have nothing to talk about as we sat for hours exxhausting useless subjects for conversation purposes.....He takes my hand and guides me outside! It s FREEZING so he immediately puts his arm around my shoulder!! By now i'm excited because i'm half way to the car...and i'm acting good!!! I'm dodging temptation and just enjoying whats left of this casual night!! He then tells me i had a great time with you tonight!
11:55p.m
I open up my mouth to speak, halfway to my car and he steps in front of me.... grabs my waist and lifts me in the air!!!!!!!!!!Straddling him i'm in complete shock as he proceeds to kiss on my neck...and slowly grab my waist tighter!He assertively moves his hands from my waist to my A**....he whispers in my ear to wrap my legs around his back tighter! Still in shock my aggression kicks in as I attempt to take control ferociously and intensly kissing him back and grabbing him tighter, i tilt his head to the side slowly sucking his neck....by now my conscience is non-existent...he puts me down and repeatedly mumbles my name as if he's in shock that i reacted back....we reach my car and he softly grabs my coat, turns me around and pushes me down on the hood of the car (mind you we're in a residential neighborhood at MIDNIGHT).we continue kissing, grabbing, staring and licking each other..He takes complete control as i just stare at the stars and lay back!!!!My body is on fire at the shock of what's going on!!
12:30a.m
..............................................................................i regain consciousness and tell him to "GET IN THE CAR".................he then becomes nervous as i slowly approach his car....he gets out comes to my door, opens it...and extends me back in the car!! we once more become intense, this time he grips my waist and slowly starts removing my coat, he slowly moans in my ear and says "I WANT YOU"...........then i stop him...kiss him one more time...and I said, "CALL ME SOMETIME"............i then drove off!!!! omg!!!
Frustrated for a Logical Reason
As much as temptation was a factor of our whole encounter.......in that very moment i decided i wanted more than just a casual evening! Although i was intensly intrigued by his aggression i've been there done that! i realized i wanted substance and much more than a one night! I realized i wanted an everyday.....soooo i made the very DIFFICULT decision to LEAVE..!!!lol i'm still at shock with myself for that one People....i ask myself everyday how i walked away from that lol......................know your worth and know what you deserve...don't make it so easy ladies! i hope you find strength through my situation!
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I LEFT MY HEART......right there on the edge of his BED!
Between Me and You,
I just make it into town around 1am. I'm sitting in the room contemplating if i wanna know the truth. In my heart i knew the potential for hurt would be far less engraved now than then so i made the call to her; and SO IT BEGAN:
HER
She walks in the room nervously and sits down. I waste no time in displaying my discomfort for her being there. The cause was far greater than me picking a battle with her, so i began the questioning. I bring up his name and immediately her face changed. Part of me immediately wanted to insult, because my insecurities showed that she had something i wanted...or was it vice versa. She explained the length of time that they started dating and instantly my heart fell through the floor. My breathing stopped as i forced a conscious ear to continue to listen. Mentally i had checked out but emotionally i couldn't stop asking questions. She explained that he expressed to her how much he LOVED her and wanted to be in a relationship with her; but she wasn't ready....
Now let's Pause for a Second
Considering that we had been on and off for almost a 1 1/2 years my heart swelled. If this was the case and he LOVED her and wanted so badly to be with her i continuosly questioned my relevance. I'm miles away and we're in no way committed, but the honesty lacked in every portion of this situation. We went through so much together, and could be mistaken for soul mates. Never had i ever felt that comfortable around a man...and never had i laughed and joked so much with someone that they made me smile for days. Our chemistry was insane and whenever we would talk our hearts would melt. I expressed to him when i left that i wanted him to experience life and enjoy himself, considering our break. I took the un-selfish approach not thinking of my selfish wants of trying to make a long distance relationship work. If anything i wanted him to be happy. And all i asked was that he be honest with me. He would visit for a couple of days and for over a course of 6MONTHS i would travel down there and we would always hook up. If he was now IN LOVE whats my relevance for being there?
BACK TO HER
She expressed how she knew nothing about our previous relationship with each other. She explained how she heard that me and HIM talked but HE expressed that none of that occured. In the mist of her speaking my struggle to fight back tears of anger has left my shaded face BLOODSHOT in hue. I think of myself and my worth in the mist of her still talking and i instantly become ashamed. I instantly become jealous, enraged, hurt, vulnerable, sick but most of all DISAPPOINTED. She becomes hurt, and as i try to explain to her my side of the story and our relationship before, during and after she exist her head drops. I try to feel for her after i see that she's hurt but my heart becomes uncaring as i can only think of the time wasted IN LOVE with someone who's constant need for a security blanket has deeply hurt me. I can only think of the time wasted spent stupidly in love with someone sooo SELFISH. I can only think of how different my life would've been without him and how i sat at home for a straight month dealing with OUR regretful mistake while HE was out enjoying himself....
Paralyzed
I become stagnant immediately as i ask my self, "how could he not have a heart"...then i become insecure thinking, "how could he like her more than me"........then i become deranged thinking, "why am i not over there beating his A**" for thee hurt he casued me. I just become paralyzed and confused. Because if what she said is indeed true why couldn't he have just told me the truth.
ReGained Conciousness
........He never told me the truth due to his Selfishness. If he told me about HER, then i would've departed and let them BE. But because he wanted to still KEEP me for his security, he adopted her for the time being. But it made no sense because the words expressed to her were never expressed to me. the words love and relationships were words i never heard him speak to me, so was i adopted for the time being? and was everything we went through all in vain. WAS i the only one in love? And if he loved her so much then why would i need to be that constant one just on rebound.....IT hurt me to know that i was thought of as a back-up while she was the one he wanted to go the distance with. After she left, she explained that she was gonna confront him and i explained that i just wanted to be DONE.....I was emotionally exhausted and my confidence to pick a battle and fight was long gone. I became WEAK in a matter of 3seconds. I just wanted to lay there and CRY.....my confidence and self-esteem hit an all-time low as i tried to hold it together but i soon broke down......
HE CALLS
After she confronted him he decides to give me a call.........i take a long hard look at the phone deciding if i wanna answer it.....and as anger influences my mind i answer the phone YELLING. i repeatedly tell him to leave me alone and never talk to me again, as my voice crackles from rivers of tears showering down my face I HAVE LOST IT. I become vulnerable and i just ask WHY??.....he keeps tryna calm me down and now express how much he wants me in my life. He then tries to tell me how much he cares for me and tries to justify not telling me and her the truth......he continues to try and calm my FURRY as i yell to him to just LET ME GO.......by now my anger has subsided to pain and i realize i just FINALLY WANT TO BE DONE.....my heart once again softens towards him as he pleads me to stay in his life and he pleads to me how sorry he is.......I feel like the dumbest girl in the WORLD i feel like the lowest person...i lose my will to fight, and i try to gain understanding i try to see if he would express those same words of I LOVE YOU AND RELATIONSHIP to me. But he can't say those words, and he can't tell me his heart....maybe because i'm not in his HEART.....i finally get the courage to hang up and WALK AWAY....but the truth is as i got up to leave my HEART did not Leave with me...
~...................My heart stayed right there on the edge of his BED and i left it there. I'd much rather want my mental then my heart. My heart has gotten me in life changing situations with HIM and i no longer wanna plead, gamble, try to understand and make excuses for following my HEART....i'd be a liar if i said i didn't still love him but i'd be a fool to be stupid in love...So i left it there hoping that it never finds me again. I wanna spend some quality time with my mental getting to know me and my worth all over again. As for him...........i'll remain commentless and WISH HIM THE BEST........As for me i'm sooooo excited to see what my NEW FUTURE holds for me...........i hope you all find strength in me~
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
I just make it into town around 1am. I'm sitting in the room contemplating if i wanna know the truth. In my heart i knew the potential for hurt would be far less engraved now than then so i made the call to her; and SO IT BEGAN:
HER
She walks in the room nervously and sits down. I waste no time in displaying my discomfort for her being there. The cause was far greater than me picking a battle with her, so i began the questioning. I bring up his name and immediately her face changed. Part of me immediately wanted to insult, because my insecurities showed that she had something i wanted...or was it vice versa. She explained the length of time that they started dating and instantly my heart fell through the floor. My breathing stopped as i forced a conscious ear to continue to listen. Mentally i had checked out but emotionally i couldn't stop asking questions. She explained that he expressed to her how much he LOVED her and wanted to be in a relationship with her; but she wasn't ready....
Now let's Pause for a Second
Considering that we had been on and off for almost a 1 1/2 years my heart swelled. If this was the case and he LOVED her and wanted so badly to be with her i continuosly questioned my relevance. I'm miles away and we're in no way committed, but the honesty lacked in every portion of this situation. We went through so much together, and could be mistaken for soul mates. Never had i ever felt that comfortable around a man...and never had i laughed and joked so much with someone that they made me smile for days. Our chemistry was insane and whenever we would talk our hearts would melt. I expressed to him when i left that i wanted him to experience life and enjoy himself, considering our break. I took the un-selfish approach not thinking of my selfish wants of trying to make a long distance relationship work. If anything i wanted him to be happy. And all i asked was that he be honest with me. He would visit for a couple of days and for over a course of 6MONTHS i would travel down there and we would always hook up. If he was now IN LOVE whats my relevance for being there?
BACK TO HER
She expressed how she knew nothing about our previous relationship with each other. She explained how she heard that me and HIM talked but HE expressed that none of that occured. In the mist of her speaking my struggle to fight back tears of anger has left my shaded face BLOODSHOT in hue. I think of myself and my worth in the mist of her still talking and i instantly become ashamed. I instantly become jealous, enraged, hurt, vulnerable, sick but most of all DISAPPOINTED. She becomes hurt, and as i try to explain to her my side of the story and our relationship before, during and after she exist her head drops. I try to feel for her after i see that she's hurt but my heart becomes uncaring as i can only think of the time wasted IN LOVE with someone who's constant need for a security blanket has deeply hurt me. I can only think of the time wasted spent stupidly in love with someone sooo SELFISH. I can only think of how different my life would've been without him and how i sat at home for a straight month dealing with OUR regretful mistake while HE was out enjoying himself....
Paralyzed
I become stagnant immediately as i ask my self, "how could he not have a heart"...then i become insecure thinking, "how could he like her more than me"........then i become deranged thinking, "why am i not over there beating his A**" for thee hurt he casued me. I just become paralyzed and confused. Because if what she said is indeed true why couldn't he have just told me the truth.
ReGained Conciousness
........He never told me the truth due to his Selfishness. If he told me about HER, then i would've departed and let them BE. But because he wanted to still KEEP me for his security, he adopted her for the time being. But it made no sense because the words expressed to her were never expressed to me. the words love and relationships were words i never heard him speak to me, so was i adopted for the time being? and was everything we went through all in vain. WAS i the only one in love? And if he loved her so much then why would i need to be that constant one just on rebound.....IT hurt me to know that i was thought of as a back-up while she was the one he wanted to go the distance with. After she left, she explained that she was gonna confront him and i explained that i just wanted to be DONE.....I was emotionally exhausted and my confidence to pick a battle and fight was long gone. I became WEAK in a matter of 3seconds. I just wanted to lay there and CRY.....my confidence and self-esteem hit an all-time low as i tried to hold it together but i soon broke down......
HE CALLS
After she confronted him he decides to give me a call.........i take a long hard look at the phone deciding if i wanna answer it.....and as anger influences my mind i answer the phone YELLING. i repeatedly tell him to leave me alone and never talk to me again, as my voice crackles from rivers of tears showering down my face I HAVE LOST IT. I become vulnerable and i just ask WHY??.....he keeps tryna calm me down and now express how much he wants me in my life. He then tries to tell me how much he cares for me and tries to justify not telling me and her the truth......he continues to try and calm my FURRY as i yell to him to just LET ME GO.......by now my anger has subsided to pain and i realize i just FINALLY WANT TO BE DONE.....my heart once again softens towards him as he pleads me to stay in his life and he pleads to me how sorry he is.......I feel like the dumbest girl in the WORLD i feel like the lowest person...i lose my will to fight, and i try to gain understanding i try to see if he would express those same words of I LOVE YOU AND RELATIONSHIP to me. But he can't say those words, and he can't tell me his heart....maybe because i'm not in his HEART.....i finally get the courage to hang up and WALK AWAY....but the truth is as i got up to leave my HEART did not Leave with me...
~...................My heart stayed right there on the edge of his BED and i left it there. I'd much rather want my mental then my heart. My heart has gotten me in life changing situations with HIM and i no longer wanna plead, gamble, try to understand and make excuses for following my HEART....i'd be a liar if i said i didn't still love him but i'd be a fool to be stupid in love...So i left it there hoping that it never finds me again. I wanna spend some quality time with my mental getting to know me and my worth all over again. As for him...........i'll remain commentless and WISH HIM THE BEST........As for me i'm sooooo excited to see what my NEW FUTURE holds for me...........i hope you all find strength in me~
~Intimately MalissaRenee~
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