I LEFT MY HEART......right there on the edge of his BED!

Between Me and You,

I just make it into town around 1am. I'm sitting in the room contemplating if i wanna know the truth. In my heart i knew the potential for hurt would be far less engraved now than then so i made the call to her; and SO IT BEGAN:

HER

She walks in the room nervously and sits down. I waste no time in displaying my discomfort for her being there. The cause was far greater than me picking a battle with her, so i began the questioning. I bring up his name and immediately her face changed. Part of me immediately wanted to insult, because my insecurities showed that she had something i wanted...or was it vice versa. She explained the length of time that they started dating and instantly my heart fell through the floor. My breathing stopped as i forced a conscious ear to continue to listen. Mentally i had checked out but emotionally i couldn't stop asking questions. She explained that he expressed to her how much he LOVED her and wanted to be in a relationship with her; but she wasn't ready....

Now let's Pause for a Second

Considering that we had been on and off for almost a 1 1/2 years my heart swelled. If this was the case and he LOVED her and wanted so badly to be with her i continuosly questioned my relevance. I'm miles away and we're in no way committed, but the honesty lacked in every portion of this situation. We went through so much together, and could be mistaken for soul mates. Never had i ever felt that comfortable around a man...and never had i laughed and joked so much with someone that they made me smile for days. Our chemistry was insane and whenever we would talk our hearts would melt. I expressed to him when i left that i wanted him to experience life and enjoy himself, considering our break. I took the un-selfish approach not thinking of my selfish wants of trying to make a long distance relationship work. If anything i wanted him to be happy. And all i asked was that he be honest with me. He would visit for a couple of days and for over a course of 6MONTHS i would travel down there and we would always hook up. If he was now IN LOVE whats my relevance for being there?

BACK TO HER

She expressed how she knew nothing about our previous relationship with each other. She explained how she heard that me and HIM talked but HE expressed that none of that occured. In the mist of her speaking my struggle to fight back tears of anger has left my shaded face BLOODSHOT in hue. I think of myself and my worth in the mist of her still talking and i instantly become ashamed. I instantly become jealous, enraged, hurt, vulnerable, sick but most of all DISAPPOINTED. She becomes hurt, and as i try to explain to her my side of the story and our relationship before, during and after she exist her head drops. I try to feel for her after i see that she's hurt but my heart becomes uncaring as i can only think of the time wasted IN LOVE with someone who's constant need for a security blanket has deeply hurt me. I can only think of the time wasted spent stupidly in love with someone sooo SELFISH. I can only think of how different my life would've been without him and how i sat at home for a straight month dealing with OUR regretful mistake while HE was out enjoying himself....

Paralyzed

I become stagnant immediately as i ask my self, "how could he not have a heart"...then i become insecure thinking, "how could he like her more than me"........then i become deranged thinking, "why am i not over there beating his A**" for thee hurt he casued me. I just become paralyzed and confused. Because if what she said is indeed true why couldn't he have just told me the truth.

ReGained Conciousness

........He never told me the truth due to his Selfishness. If he told me about HER, then i would've departed and let them BE. But because he wanted to still KEEP me for his security, he adopted her for the time being. But it made no sense because the words expressed to her were never expressed to me. the words love and relationships were words i never heard him speak to me, so was i adopted for the time being? and was everything we went through all in vain. WAS i the only one in love? And if he loved her so much then why would i need to be that constant one just on rebound.....IT hurt me to know that i was thought of as a back-up while she was the one he wanted to go the distance with. After she left, she explained that she was gonna confront him and i explained that i just wanted to be DONE.....I was emotionally exhausted and my confidence to pick a battle and fight was long gone. I became WEAK in a matter of 3seconds. I just wanted to lay there and CRY.....my confidence and self-esteem hit an all-time low as i tried to hold it together but i soon broke down......

HE CALLS

After she confronted him he decides to give me a call.........i take a long hard look at the phone deciding if i wanna answer it.....and as anger influences my mind i answer the phone YELLING. i repeatedly tell him to leave me alone and never talk to me again, as my voice crackles from rivers of tears showering down my face I HAVE LOST IT. I become vulnerable and i just ask WHY??.....he keeps tryna calm me down and now express how much he wants me in my life. He then tries to tell me how much he cares for me and tries to justify not telling me and her the truth......he continues to try and calm my FURRY as i yell to him to just LET ME GO.......by now my anger has subsided to pain and i realize i just FINALLY WANT TO BE DONE.....my heart once again softens towards him as he pleads me to stay in his life and he pleads to me how sorry he is.......I feel like the dumbest girl in the WORLD i feel like the lowest person...i lose my will to fight, and i try to gain understanding i try to see if he would express those same words of  I LOVE YOU AND RELATIONSHIP to me. But he can't say those words, and he can't tell me his heart....maybe because i'm not in his HEART.....i finally get the courage to hang up and WALK AWAY....but the truth is as i got up to leave my HEART did not Leave with me...

~...................My heart stayed right there on the edge of his BED and i left it there. I'd much rather want my mental then my heart. My heart has gotten me in life changing situations with HIM and i no longer wanna plead, gamble, try to understand and make excuses for following my HEART....i'd be a liar if i said i didn't still love him but i'd be a fool to be stupid in love...So i left it there hoping that it never finds me again. I wanna spend some quality time with my mental getting to know me and my worth all over again. As for him...........i'll remain commentless and WISH HIM THE BEST........As for me i'm sooooo excited to see what my NEW FUTURE holds for me...........i hope you all find strength in me~


~Intimately MalissaRenee~